Sunday, 11 October 2015

Guest spot: Guilty as charged by Maria Manuela Cardiga

Claude and Maud
Were flawed.

They were the kind
Of couple you avoid
On principle at parties;
The kind that makes you
Want to sign petitions
To place restrictions
On the unsupervised
Of the citizens
Of our fair Nation.

I know that sounds bad...
But really, what can I say?
Maud and Claude
Were flawed,
And not in
An interestingly
Artistic way.

Oh no!
Not Claude and Maud!
They were bored,
And so, of course,
Were boring.

In a perfect world
This could have been
Overcome if they were poor.
Poverty; paucity of means
Makes people resilient,
If not always brilliant.

But alas Maud and Claude
Had a Trust Fund.
Millions carefully squirreled
Away by some ancestor
And passed down or willed
To these two, who
Were only too thrilled
To spend it all
In as unwise and
Frivolously futile a way
As could be devised.

(yes Officer, I was
advised of my rights!)

So as I was telling you,
Claude and Maud
Walked into my Gallery
A week ago
And had the audacity
To make a bid
On the most delicate
And delicious
Little Matisse…
Just as lovely a piece
As you can imagine!

(Would you please stop
Blabbering about a lawyer?
You keep interrupting
My story!)

The truth of the matter is,
They bought the painting.
They signed the check,
And I signed
The deed of sale,
And that is when
This little tale
Went pear-shape-
Cause Maud exclaimed:
“Oh no! Claude!
Look! That shade
Will just clash terribly
With the new drape!”
And she pointed her
French-manicured claw-
(No, I don’t give a shit
About the Miranda law!)
At the heavenly hue
Behind the dancer’s
Left boob.

“Never mind pet!”
Claude consoled her
“I have a tin of
Clover Green
In the garage
I’ll just brush
It over that awful blue…”

And then, Officer,
I swear it’s true!
I  just felt that
Phillip Stark cork-screw
In my hand
And that
Was the end of that.

In my defence?
Well, I don’t have one!
You see, the Matisse
Was just so perfect?
And Maud and Claude
So flawed?
That I thought
The trade
Quite worth it…

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