Friday, 1 April 2016

Oh, sister 11. (Memoirs of Robert Brown iii)

Ye could say that business wis good
We never wanted’ an’ there wis always food
An’ wi’ aw that money comin’ in
There wis always spare for whisky an’ gin
Gin wis the chosen drink for any decent whore
An’ whisky wis for the gents when they came tae the door
Ah saw that as a gesture o’ goodwill
Tae have a wee dram before they got their thrill
It’s no as if they were gonnae get inebriated
It wis jist a simple courtesy that wis appreciated
Occasionally ah’d join if we had a special guest
But carefully avoided conversin’ wi’ the rest
Ah know ah can sometimes be a bit rude
But some ah avoided for their ain bloody good
One particular night when ah wis in a pretty foul mood
An’ Siobhan wis daein’ what a whore mother should
Offerin’ her breast tae a baby clad pest
Another broke free an’ crawled up tae me
Bawlin’ like a pitiful wee laddie
Huggin’ ma leg an’ callin’ me daddy
This kind o’ thing ah utterly detested
An’ ma crabby mood wis severely tested
Ah had the urge tae gie the man a damn good thrashin’
It could hardly be called baby bashin’
But thankfully ah managed tae find him a dummy
Clouted his ear an’ sent him back tae mummy
She’d been wonderin’ where the bugger had gone
Ma look o’ disdain became hard to feign
Hearin’ her apologisin’ again an’ again
Eventually ah couldnae contain ma laughter
When ah thought aboot the freak she wis chasin’ after
Moments after that we were rollin’ oan the floor
An’ we laughed so hard until we were sore
Freaks, aye we had oor fair share
An’ few were loonier than Sally’s pair
Wan o’ them wid bark like a hound
An’ the other wid make a cat’s mewin’ sound
This wis their wee fantasy game
An’ the dog an’ the cat each had a name
The cat wis called Tom an’ the dog wis called Fred
An’ tae get Fred started he had tae be fed
Sally wid throw some biscuits oan the floor
An’ he’d gobble them up an’ beg for more
There wis wan time a heard a huge uproar
An’ when ah got there Sally wis runnin’ oot the door
“I told him not to beg!” she cried. “And the randy bugger tried to hump my leg!”
Ah reprimanded him an’ he started tae growl
An’ then looked at me wi’ sad eyes an’ began tae howl
The howlin’ noise set off the cat
Sally screamed when he hissed and spat
“Hey!” ah shouted at him. “Scat!”
An’ that wis the end o’ that
He came back tae Sally later for a friendly pat
After that Sally knew their game
An’ fae that day oan they were fairly tame  

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