Oh, sister 17. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop iv)

There was a definite change in Robert Brown

Struttin’ around like a man about town

A workin’ class man from the land of the thistle

Thinkin’ ‘es the bee’s knees in ‘is tailor made whistle

You know, whistle and flute

I’m talkin’ about ‘is bleedin’ suit

I can understand that bein’ ‘ard to compre’end

If you wasn’t born in London’s East End

Like when I asked ‘im, “Where the ‘ell did you get the bees?”

The bugger replied, “Nancy, could ye repeat that in English please.”

“The bees and ‘oney!” I yelled at ‘im. “The bleedin’ money!”

Whisky in ‘and and leanin’ back in ‘is chair, ‘e said, “There wis a wee bit spare. Don’t worry, ye’re gettin’ yer fair share.”

“No, things ain’t the same,” I said to ‘im. “What’s your game?”

That smile of ‘is can be so infuriatin’

“Nancy,” ‘e said. “Don’t keep the customers waitin’.”

First up was one that I named Little Rick

On account of ‘im ‘avin’ the world’s smallest…

I swear I ain’t takin’ the mick

It was really small

About the size of me pinky when it was standin’ tall

Now, Rick didn’t like that at all

So, when ‘e came to call

I ‘ad to wait eagerly

For ‘im to whip it out and let me see

Then clap me ‘ands and squeal with surprise

And pretend that it was an incredible size

For the first few visits that did the trick

“I’d even say things like, “Oh, ‘ave you come to show me your magnificent…”

Know what I mean?

Just kind words to keep ‘im keen

But one day ‘e came and sat down and cried

And complained that ‘is missus weren’t satisfied

I felt so sorry for the poor geezer

It was ‘ardly surprisin’ that ‘e couldn’t please ‘er

So, for an extra charge

And once again convincin’ ‘im that it was incredibly large

I pulled me dress up and me bloomers down

And saw a smile replace ‘is frown

It was the worst experience I ‘ad in me life

And for the duration of the encounter I pitied ‘is wife

But I ‘ad to play the part

Screamin’ with pleasure like a professional tart

Men are not that complicated

So long as their egos are kept inflated

My little performance was appreciated

And Rick went away ‘appily sated

But ‘e always came back for more

Four times a week ‘e would knock on my door

I soon got bored with the same routine

Tellin’ ‘im that it was the biggest I’ve seen

So I decided to teach ‘im a trick or two

Where to go and what not to do

And seein’ that ‘e weren’t well ‘ung

I soon got ‘im skilled in the use of ‘is tongue