Saturday, 14 May 2016

Oh, sister 25. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones v)

I’d been gettin’ some nervous looks from Siobhan
But I sensed that there was more than an illicit affair goin’ on
I had a feelin’ that Robert knew
And things were bein’ kept from me and the other two
It was certain that he had some devious plan
Robert could be a very evasive man
I’d begun to get bored with the usual requests
From the effeminate fops and the pain lovin’ pests
But one day I got one like no other
When a middle aged man came with his elderly mother
I soon found out why
“I wish to be a grandmother before I die,” she informed me. “But this boy of mine is incredibly shy.”
His name was Cedric and he was forty years old
Always there for mother and doin’ what he was told
She told me that women filled him with dread
And if one even spoke to him he’d blush bright red
Such shyness in a man I’d never seen
His behaviour was like that of a pimply teen
What a sheltered life he’d led
Never had a woman ever shared his bed
Well, apart from mother when he had a nightmare
But that can’t compare to a passionate affair
It was a bit sad to hear of what he’d missed
The tragic little fellow hadn’t even been kissed
His mother had arranged for him to be married
And the poor little sod was understandably harried 
That’s why she brought him to me
To rid him of his terrible timidity
I agreed to try and teach him intimacy
And asked her to give us some privacy
“No!” she cried. “I’m here to observe!”
Crikey, the woman had a nerve
I didn’t want to argue and began to undress
Cedric was shakin’ from extreme distress
“Cedric, don’t be coy!” his mother yelled. “Remove your clothes at once, boy!”
I grimaced at the man’s pitiful cries
And gaped at him with utter surprise
When my nakedness made him cover his eyes
“Mummy,” he wailed. “Please!”
But she shook her head at his desperate pleas
“I’m not giving in to those pathetic cries,” she told him. “Go to the whore and make that thing rise.”
I didn’t know what to do with the sobbin’ wimp
For even after coaxin’ he still remained limp
“Perhaps if you go,” I said to the mother. “Maybe it’s you that’s causin’ his woe.”
“No!” she shouted. “I told you I was here to observe the show.”
I decided I would have to take it very slow
Try everythin’ I knew to make it grow
I even got down on my knees
With lips and tongue I began to tease
And then suddenly it burst into life
There was some hope for his future wife
To the bed I beckoned
And we didn’t waste another second
In a matter of seconds he was done
But at least the poor fellow had a bit of fun
And mother was happy with her brave little chappie

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