Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Oh, sister 22. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop v)

I never liked the undertaker
The ‘orrid little runt weren’t exactly a troublemaker
But if things didn’t go ‘is way
Then ‘e’d storm out of the ‘ouse and refuse to pay
Do you wanna know ‘ow the toerag got ‘is thrill?
By makin’ me lie still
Like death
Oh, and that ‘orrible breath
When he got close
That terrible pong went right up my nose
So I would lie there givin’ ‘im that corpse like stare
While ‘e slowly and painstakin’ly stripped me bare
I wasn’t even allowed to move a little bit
Otherwise the degenerate would ‘ave a screamin’ fit
I ‘ad to lie there on the bed and pretend to be dead
I know that sounds a little bit iffy
But if everythin’ was right ‘e’d ‘ave a stiffy in a jiffy
Ready to take me at will
But first ‘e ‘ad to make sure that I was completely still
So the ‘e could relish in the fantasy ‘e was about to fulfil
Even the thought would give most girls a chill
And when ‘e began to thrust
Silence was an absolute must
Lyin’ there waitin’ for ‘im to spill
A scream from me would’ve been awfully shrill
At least it was always quick
But that didn’t stop me feelin’ sick
I even asked Robert to keep ‘im away    
But ‘e just wanted to avoid an affray 
“Jist dae whatever he asks ye tae dae,” ‘e said. “Chances are we’ll need a favour someday.”
“Are you mad in the ‘ead?” I said. “Do I look like I need a bed for the dead?”
Robert laughed until ‘e was chokin’ and coughin’
“Naw, ya silly moo!” he cried. “I wisnae oan aboot a free bloody coffin!”
I ‘ad no idea of what ‘e meant
What else was there to get from the despicable gent?
And then suddenly I understood what ‘e said
It’s somethin’ that fills every ‘ore with dread
Crikey, I’d be mortified
If one of me customers suddenly died
But if there was a chance to make the body disappear
The Old Bill would be none the wiser that ‘e were ever ‘ere
“Nancy, the undertaker an’ me have made a deal,” Robert told me. “If we ever have a body, he’ll help tae conceal. If there’s no a body, then there’s naebody tae blame. The deceased will be buried wi’ a fictitious name.”
And that’s exactly what ‘appened a week after we spoke
One of Nerys’ ‘ad a stroke
Fell to the floor and banged is ‘ead
Nerys kept screamin’, “The man is dead!”
“Somebody calm her doon,” Robert told the rest o’ us. “Ah need tae bring the undertaker aroon’.”
We ‘ad to be discreet
Makin’ sure no one was out in the street
Everyone played their part
Carryin’ the corpse to the ‘orse and cart
And gettin’ ‘im in a box before anyone clocks 
The men departed without delay
Just to get the body out of the way
It was a great relief to ‘ave avoided a blunder
Early in the morn ‘e was six feet under 

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