Tuesday, 15 March 2016

Oh, sister 5. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones i)

My name is Nerys Jones
Call me the whale from Wales and I’ll bloody break your bones
That’s what they used to call me
Way back when I lived in Swansea
The taunts would never cease
Whale from Wales and obese Nerys
From that you’ve probably gathered that I was largely alone
A little pun to make you groan
At the age of fifteen I was already fourteen stone
And although I’d often moan
Life had to be lived and I just got on with it
From my mum is where I probably got my wit
My dad was a sour bugger that worked in a pit
Work for him meant goin’ away
And I’d only ever see him every other Friday
Home to bring us some much needed money
Home to mum for a little bit of honey
Out of the house I used to sneak
To get away from their grunts and that bed’s awful squeak
One night out of curiosity I decided to take a peek
You should know by now that I’m not exactly meek
But I couldn’t face my mum for the next bloody week
Look, I wasn’t that naïve I’ll have you believe
I knew what it took to conceive
But I thought it’d be a lot gentler and romantic
Not so tumultuous and so frantic
I have some inklin’ of what you’re probably thinkin’
When did it happen to Nerys?
At the age of sixteen with a boy called Rhys
I learned later on that he did it for a dare
But it was so much bloody fun and I didn’t bloody care
And such was my fascination
That I made up my mind to leave my tiny nation
London was where I decided to head
I was filled with excitement and a teeny bit of dread
There had to be someone in that great big city
I was a big girl but I was also pretty
Things didn’t go exactly to plan
And that was due to that crazy man called Stan
What a cad
And probably old enough to be my dad
“Need a place to sleep, love?” he said to me one night on the street. “I’ve got a place, nice and neat.”
I was very tired and I needed a bed
But I refused his offer and shook my head
“Come on, love,” he said as I walked away. “I can see that you’re in need of a place to stay.”
I shook my head again and continued on my way
“Don’t be so rash!” he shouted. “You and I can make a bit of cash!”
I turned and walked back to where he stood. “What do I have to do for a bed and some food?”
“Sit, that’s it.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Are you askin’ me to do somethin’ obscene?”
“Some gents I know like to be sat upon,” he replied. “It’s alright, love. You get to keep your knickers on.”
And he was right
I was in demand night after night
Keepin’ these weirdos satisfied
Until one night Stan collapsed and died
I got rid of the corpse and didn’t dilly dally
And out in the street I met a girl called Sally
Later on she brought back Siobhan
I wanted to expand now that he was gone
It all went well until the arrival of Robert Brown
The man that threatened to bring me down
“Nerys,” he said. “Let me run things or ah’ll go tae the police.”
The way he said it sounded like ‘poaliss’
The man was soulless

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