My name is
Nerys Jones
Call me the
whale from Wales and I’ll bloody break your bones
That’s what
they used to call me
Way back
when I lived in Swansea
The taunts
would never cease
Whale from
Wales and obese Nerys
From that
you’ve probably gathered that I was largely alone
A little pun
to make you groan
At the age
of fifteen I was already fourteen stone
And although
I’d often moan
Life had to
be lived and I just got on with it
From my mum
is where I probably got my wit
My dad was a
sour bugger that worked in a pit
Work for him
meant goin’ away
And I’d only
ever see him every other Friday
Home to
bring us some much needed money
Home to mum
for a little bit of honey
Out of the
house I used to sneak
To get away
from their grunts and that bed’s awful squeak
One night
out of curiosity I decided to take a peek
You should
know by now that I’m not exactly meek
But I
couldn’t face my mum for the next bloody week
Look, I
wasn’t that naïve I’ll have you believe
I knew what
it took to conceive
But I
thought it’d be a lot gentler and romantic
Not so
tumultuous and so frantic
I have some
inklin’ of what you’re probably thinkin’
When did it
happen to Nerys?
At the age
of sixteen with a boy called Rhys
I learned
later on that he did it for a dare
But it was
so much bloody fun and I didn’t bloody care
And such was
my fascination
That I made
up my mind to leave my tiny nation
London was
where I decided to head
I was filled
with excitement and a teeny bit of dread
There had to
be someone in that great big city
I was a big
girl but I was also pretty
Things
didn’t go exactly to plan
And that was
due to that crazy man called Stan
What a cad
And probably
old enough to be my dad
“Need a
place to sleep, love?” he said to me one night on the street. “I’ve got a
place, nice and neat.”
I was very
tired and I needed a bed
But I
refused his offer and shook my head
“Come on,
love,” he said as I walked away. “I can see that you’re in need of a place to
stay.”
I shook my
head again and continued on my way
“Don’t be so
rash!” he shouted. “You and I can make a bit of cash!”
I turned and
walked back to where he stood. “What do I have to do for a bed and some food?”
“Sit, that’s
it.”
“What do you
mean?” I asked. “Are you askin’ me to do somethin’ obscene?”
“Some gents
I know like to be sat upon,” he replied. “It’s alright, love. You get to keep
your knickers on.”
And he was
right
I was in
demand night after night
Keepin’
these weirdos satisfied
Until one
night Stan collapsed and died
I got rid of
the corpse and didn’t dilly dally
And out in
the street I met a girl called Sally
Later on she
brought back Siobhan
I wanted to
expand now that he was gone
It all went
well until the arrival of Robert Brown
The man that
threatened to bring me down
“Nerys,” he
said. “Let me run things or ah’ll go tae the police.”
The way he
said it sounded like ‘poaliss’
The man was
soulless
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