Wednesday, 16 September 2015

Oh, brother (part 16) by Grant Harbison

“He’s done it again!” Borium and Truman heard Ilirium complain. “That Celtic clown is going to drive me insane. Five monks assaulted in just one week. How does one protect oneself when one is meek?”
“Something has to be done about Brother Blaine,” said Borium. “Perhaps the solution is Mistress Paine.”
“I think he should be tortured and slain,” stated Brother Truman. “Have them cut out his eyes and suck out his brain.”
“A bit drastic,” said Ilirium. “But part of me thinks it sounds fantastic.”
Outside the room there was a terrible noise
And they heard the sound of the now familiar voice
“Top o’ the mornin’ to ye, boys!”
The three brothers stared with mouths agape
At the Celtic madman with the intimidating shape
“Saints and angels and Bringer of light, I sincerely promise that I won’t bite,” said Blaine. “I’m just here to tell ye that somethin’ isn’t right. There are brothers out there shiverin’ with fright, and one or two look like they’ve been in a fight.”
“All things beautiful and all things bright!” cried Brother Ilirium. “You mean to tell me that you don’t remember last night?” asked Brother Ilirium.
“No, try as I might.”
 “If I were you, I’d be contrite.”
“It’s chaos in the monastery every night, with your drunken aggression and desire to fight. Last night you threatened to set the place alight.”
“But that’s insane.”
“Yes, Brother Blaine. Ale seems to have a terrible effect on your brain. If you must partake, we’ll have to restrain. But it would be better for us all if you just abstain.”
“Oh, the shame! A thousand pardons if I’m to blame. Violence and mayhem goes against my grain. How am I ever goin to show my face again?”   
“Atonement will require hours of pain.”  
“I’ll do anythin’ to achieve respect once again. I cannot lose, I can only gain.”
“Very well. Borium and Truman shall deliver you to Mistress Paine.”    

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