Oh, sister 32. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop vii)

It was bad enough that Robert ‘ad stolen our money

But ‘avin’ me knickers stolen just weren’t funny

Me underskirts ‘ad gone missin’ too

And ‘oever it was I didn’t ‘ave a clue

I didn’t know what to do

I couldn’t go accusin’ the other two

We might have been virtually skint

And because of Robert we were forced to stint

But I didn’t think any of them would dare

Sneak into the room to pinch me underwear

Not even for a joke

So it ‘ad to be a bloke

Well, if only ‘e’d asked if ‘e wanted to borrow

I would’ve allowed it and said, “Don’t forget to bring them back tomorrow.”

Obviously they’d be used for somethin’ obscene

But as long as they came back clean

And as long as ‘e were willin’ to pay the extra fee

That would ‘ave been fine by me

Keep them ‘appy and they’ll come back for more

I really was an understandin’ ‘ore

And I did my best to please anyone that came through the door

But the thought of one of them stealin’ just made me sore

It really ‘urt

Every pair of knickers and every underskirt

I racked me brains tryin’ to think ‘o it might be

Until it eventually dawned on me

One I got from Sally McGhee

A military man ‘e was without a doubt

With an unnecessary need to scream and shout

The bugger would make me stand at attention

Completely starkers I should mention

And ‘e’d be naked too while ‘e did ‘is inspection

Joyfully fondlin’ ‘is ‘uge erection

Well, that’s what I saw when I dared to look down

And I’d be duly reprimanded by the conceited clown

Screamin’, “Eyes front!”

The man was an utterly arrogant little...

You know what I mean

Pretendin’ not to enjoy ‘avin’ ‘is todger seen

Although me feet got terribly sore

And all I wanted to do was sit on the floor

I did my best to please

And wait for the command to stand at ease

That’s when he’d pick up me clothes

And rub me bloomers against ‘is nose

And then give them a quick inspection

Before puttin’ them over ‘is ‘ead and rubbin’ ‘is erection

When all was done and ‘e had ‘is bit of fun

Me clothes were folded in a neat little pile

And ‘e would lay them on me bed with a satisfied smile

My intuition was right

The same bleedin’ geezer came to visit the next night

I said, “Oi, where’s me bleedin’ knickers?”

But all I got was ‘is usual snickers

“Look,” I said to ‘im. “All I want is me knickers back.”

“And I will bring them back,” ‘e told me. “As long as you promise to be a good girl for Jack.”