Oh, sister 11. (Memoirs of Robert Brown iii)

Ye could say that business wis good

We never wanted’ an’ there wis always food

An’ wi’ aw that money comin’ in

There wis always spare for whisky an’ gin

Gin wis the chosen drink for any decent whore

An’ whisky wis for the gents when they came tae the door

Ah saw that as a gesture o’ goodwill

Tae have a wee dram before they got their thrill

It’s no as if they were gonnae get inebriated

It wis jist a simple courtesy that wis appreciated

Occasionally ah’d join if we had a special guest

But carefully avoided conversin’ wi’ the rest

Ah know ah can sometimes be a bit rude

But some ah avoided for their ain bloody good

One particular night when ah wis in a pretty foul mood

An’ Siobhan wis daein’ what a whore mother should

Offerin’ her breast tae a baby clad pest

Another broke free an’ crawled up tae me

Bawlin’ like a pitiful wee laddie

Huggin’ ma leg an’ callin’ me daddy

This kind o’ thing ah utterly detested

An’ ma crabby mood wis severely tested

Ah had the urge tae gie the man a damn good thrashin’

It could hardly be called baby bashin’

But thankfully ah managed tae find him a dummy

Clouted his ear an’ sent him back tae mummy

Siobhan

She’d been wonderin’ where the bugger had gone

Ma look o’ disdain became hard to feign

Hearin’ her apologisin’ again an’ again

Eventually ah couldnae contain ma laughter

When ah thought aboot the freak she wis chasin’ after

Moments after that we were rollin’ oan the floor

An’ we laughed so hard until we were sore

Freaks, aye we had oor fair share

An’ few were loonier than Sally’s pair

Wan o’ them wid bark like a hound

An’ the other wid make a cat’s mewin’ sound

This wis their wee fantasy game

An’ the dog an’ the cat each had a name

The cat wis called Tom an’ the dog wis called Fred

An’ tae get Fred started he had tae be fed

Sally wid throw some biscuits oan the floor

An’ he’d gobble them up an’ beg for more

There wis wan time a heard a huge uproar

An’ when ah got there Sally wis runnin’ oot the door

“I told him not to beg!” she cried. “And the randy bugger tried to hump my leg!”

Ah reprimanded him an’ he started tae growl

An’ then looked at me wi’ sad eyes an’ began tae howl

The howlin’ noise set off the cat

Sally screamed when he hissed and spat

“Hey!” ah shouted at him. “Scat!”

An’ that wis the end o’ that

He came back tae Sally later for a friendly pat

After that Sally knew their game

An’ fae that day oan they were fairly tame