Oh, sister 20. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones iv)

Sally wasn’t the only one that got a visit from a copper

I did too and let me tell you

My boyo had an astoundin’ whopper

The problem was that it was a perpetual flopper

That poor boyo

Blessed with a giant that was only for show

I tried to arouse him with my usual tricks

But still it remained at half past six

I next expected twelve o’ clock

But at least a bit of movement from the useless bloody…

I shouldn’t mock

And at least I didn’t talk

Word would’ve made him a laughin’ stock

I tried rubbin’ it hard and caressin’ it slow

But still the bloody thing wouldn’t grow

Life had dealt him a bitter blow

And he always left here feelin’ low

I can’t say that I blame him for not gettin’ to grips

I even tried to use my lips

But no

His futile floppy didn’t want to know

It was dead

The poor lad’s longin’ was all in his head

Desire is human

But seein’ his anguish made me glad to be a woman

Ladies, imagine if you can

The plight of this unfortunate man

Instead of bein’ proud of bein’ well endowed

He was cursed with one of life’s unfortunate quirks

Havin’ a giant todger that never works

Oh, I can picture your smirks

But have you ever seen a man with tears in his eyes

In utter despair because his pride won’t rise

It was bloody tragic

Watchin’ him pray for a little bit of magic

And then fall to the floor and writhe on the ground

Makin’ the most pitiful sound

Eventually he stopped comin’ around

Rumour had it that the poor sod had drowned

And although a body was never found

Robert had met him in a pub one night

And told me that he sensed somethin’ wasn’t right

He knew the coppers and knew all their names

My flopper copper was Constable James

Robert got the impression that he was sufferin’ from depression

And when he said that he was plannin’ to jump in the Thames

Robert wasn’t sure if he was playin’ games

My belief is that he chose to die

And no one but I will ever know why

Oh, sister 19. (Memoirs of Sally McGhee iv)

We had more than our fair share of intolerable pests

And a few became our favourite guests

We did our best to indulge their requests

That were becomin’ odder each and every day

But we couldn’t let excesses get in the way

Not if they were willin’ to pay

For some things we’d charge an extra fee

But that was between the lassies and me

What got on my goat was workin’ for free

Robert had an agreement, ye see

He’d pay the coppers to keep them at bay

But one would show up every Saturday

Into the house he’d barge

And demand to see me free of charge

More than often he’d be intoxicated

But he was the law and had to be tolerated

Otherwise things would’ve been complicated

That didn’t stop me hatin’ the arrogant…

Well, he got on my wick

When he’d haughtily swing his truncheon stick

Nudge me gently with the tip

And then smile at me wryly and order me to strip

His very first visit had been terribly dauntin’

As I had a fair idea of what he’d be wantin’

And when he stroked the truncheon I felt real trepidation

Dreadin’ the thought of the imminent degradation

But when he had begun to remove his clothes too

I was curious more than anxious about what he wanted to do

He grabbed his bottle of booze and drank the dregs

And then flopped on my bed and spread his legs

Ye can imagine my shock

Him wantin’ to be penetrated with a wooden…

Well, how could I ignore

I only hoped that it’d be bloody sore

That’s how it was supposed to be

But instead his cries were that of glee

And that was so damn disappointin’ to me

Hearin’ him roar, “More, more, you stupid Whore!”

I shoved it forcefully again and again

Hopin’ it would cause him discomfort and pain

But the harder I shoved

The more he loved

“Again, again!” he’d yelled. “Keep on going, I’ll tell you when!”

I was utterly and truly exasperated

But my irritation soon turned to fascination

When his climax was reached without his own stimulation

In all that time I’d been a whore

Never had I witnessed that before

Nor would I ever have suspected

That some parts of a man could be connected

Ye could say that we were learnin’ every day

But I had no time for bastards that wouldn’t pay

Oh, sister 18. (Memoirs of Siobhan MacGeary iv)

Sexual desire is natural and human

And usually involves a man and a woman

So someone like me never expects

To be approached by one of the very same sex

And with such boldness like that o’ the punter’s wife

Hintin’ that variety is the spice o’ life

So what made me agree?

Well, there was that promise of double the fee

But there was also a strong curiousity

And that inner voice cajolin’ me

Whisperin’, “Go on, Siobhan. Try it and see.”

The law was strict in the Victorian times

Sexual immorality was one o’ the crimes

And if you were caught in the act with the same gender

Then avoidance of prison was extremely slender

So the woman and I had to be discreet

And the followin’ day we arranged to meet

It wasn’t too difficult gettin’ time off

I just feigned sickness and faked a cough

Robert thought that I was tryin’ to shirk

But allowed it if someone else did the work

I met her in the street early in the day

That was normally the time when the others were away

The girls would be at the market gettin’ in the grub

And Robert would be drinkin’ in the local pub

The woman I met was called Yvette

“Don’t fret,” she said to me. “This will be an experience you shall never forget.”

Although she was beautiful and had perfect etiquette

I worried that it’d be somethin’ I’d later regret

On the way to the house I felt excitement and dread

So many things were goin’ through my head

Like what exactly do women do in bed?

Would it be somethin’ I’d already surmised?

Or was I goin’ to be pleasantly surprised?

What if none of us were satisfied?

Or even worse, horrified?

I could have kicked myself for my premature concern

As there really wasn’t that much to learn

Initially I let Yvette take the lead

And soon it became apparent how to satisfy the need

There were times that I cried out with sheer delight

With hands on the bedhead grippin’ tight

I’d never felt those sensations before

And neither I imagined had many a whore

This was somethin’ new

And when I was able to satisfy her too

I almost felt guilty about takin’ her money

As I had tasted the sweetest honey

She lay with me after and we held each other tight

Everythin’ just felt so right

Until she got up in the middle o’ the night

Oh, Lord, I thought that I was goin’ to die o’ fright

When I heard the voice of Nerys

How much was it goin’ to cost for her to keep her peace? 

Oh, sister 17. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop iv)

There was a definite change in Robert Brown

Struttin’ around like a man about town

A workin’ class man from the land of the thistle

Thinkin’ ‘es the bee’s knees in ‘is tailor made whistle

You know, whistle and flute

I’m talkin’ about ‘is bleedin’ suit

I can understand that bein’ ‘ard to compre’end

If you wasn’t born in London’s East End

Like when I asked ‘im, “Where the ‘ell did you get the bees?”

The bugger replied, “Nancy, could ye repeat that in English please.”

“The bees and ‘oney!” I yelled at ‘im. “The bleedin’ money!”

Whisky in ‘and and leanin’ back in ‘is chair, ‘e said, “There wis a wee bit spare. Don’t worry, ye’re gettin’ yer fair share.”

“No, things ain’t the same,” I said to ‘im. “What’s your game?”

That smile of ‘is can be so infuriatin’

“Nancy,” ‘e said. “Don’t keep the customers waitin’.”

First up was one that I named Little Rick

On account of ‘im ‘avin’ the world’s smallest…

I swear I ain’t takin’ the mick

It was really small

About the size of me pinky when it was standin’ tall

Now, Rick didn’t like that at all

So, when ‘e came to call

I ‘ad to wait eagerly

For ‘im to whip it out and let me see

Then clap me ‘ands and squeal with surprise

And pretend that it was an incredible size

For the first few visits that did the trick

“I’d even say things like, “Oh, ‘ave you come to show me your magnificent…”

Know what I mean?

Just kind words to keep ‘im keen

But one day ‘e came and sat down and cried

And complained that ‘is missus weren’t satisfied

I felt so sorry for the poor geezer

It was ‘ardly surprisin’ that ‘e couldn’t please ‘er

So, for an extra charge

And once again convincin’ ‘im that it was incredibly large

I pulled me dress up and me bloomers down

And saw a smile replace ‘is frown

It was the worst experience I ‘ad in me life

And for the duration of the encounter I pitied ‘is wife

But I ‘ad to play the part

Screamin’ with pleasure like a professional tart

Men are not that complicated

So long as their egos are kept inflated

My little performance was appreciated

And Rick went away ‘appily sated

But ‘e always came back for more

Four times a week ‘e would knock on my door

I soon got bored with the same routine

Tellin’ ‘im that it was the biggest I’ve seen

So I decided to teach ‘im a trick or two

Where to go and what not to do

And seein’ that ‘e weren’t well ‘ung

I soon got ‘im skilled in the use of ‘is tongue

Oh, sister 16. (Memoirs of Robert Brown iv)

It’s fine tae be a workin’ class hero

But when yer wealth amounts tae zero

Then ye have tae push that ideology aside

An’ try an’ bridge the great divide

It’s no the common folk ah’m tryin’ tae deride

It’s certain beliefs that I cannae abide

Attitudes entrenched in the minds o’ the workin’ population

That they’re born tae serve and cannae rise above their station

Times were hard and the system wis unjust

But why settle for crumbs fae the upper crust

Ye don’t have tae be born wi’ a silver spoon

Savvy can provide that desired boon

The hindrance tae the majority o’ the nation

Wis the lack o’ a proper education

Ye cannae be succeedin’

If ye don’t know anythin’ aboot writin’ an’ readin’

An’ learnin’ tae count

What good is money if ye don’t know the amount?

Ah acquired ma knowledge fae Father Beast

Remember me tellin’ ye aboot the dirty priest?

Well, for that wee attempted molestation

Ah demanded that he gave me an education

Or ah’d gie away his secret an’ make a lot o’ noise

Aboot what he wis daein’ tae a lot o’ the young boys

He must’ve seen the sincerity in ma eyes

Because he didnae hesitate tae compromise

So, when the despicable wee vermin wisnae giein’ a sermon

Or listenin’ tae somebody confessin’

Ah’d be there for a daily lesson

I might no have went tae an uppity school

But what ah had wis a valuable tool

Withoot it life can be horribly cruel

And if ye’re prepared tae break the rules

Ye’ll find abundant gullible fools

More so wi’ the elite

Who were by far the easiest tae cheat

It’s wan thing havin’ a proper education

But if ye’ve never had that indignation

O’ bein’ oan the street

Strugglin’ tae make ends meet

Then ye’re oblivious tae the art o’ deception

As desperation is the root of dishonesty’s conception

Only a fool believes that there is honour among thieves

There is only wan person o’ interest for the wan that deceives

The business wi’ the lassies wis jist the beginnin’

It wis the trust o’ the cream that ah wis intent oan winnin’

Their admiration

Pavin’ the way for fraternisation

An’ tae start ah intended tae use Siobhan

Ah knew what wis goin’ on

Wi’ her an’ her lady friend

An’ that tae me me wis the ultimate godsend

For such an illicit act

It was guaranteed that we’d form a pact

The threat o’ exposure for the upper class sinner

Wid ultimately ensure that ah wis a winner

Money wis what ah had in mind

But first ah had tae mix wi’ her an’ her kind

Tae hell wi’ scruples

When chance ensures yer wealth quadruples

An’ the lassies makin’ money oan the side?

Who wis ah tae chide?

They were jist the same as me

Daein’ what it takes for the chance tae be free

Oh, sister 15. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones iii)

It wasn’t all about abusin’ these men

There’d be a special request every now and then

From a pint sized man that liked to play horse

People like them had no remorse

And guess who got to be the horse?

Me of course

Down on all fours

Well, he was hardly goin’ to choose the other whores

“Giddy up, horsey!” he’d boom.

And I would crawl hastily around the room

While he’d flog my backside with his ridin’ crop

Once he was overzealous and wouldn’t stop

And I grabbed him by his jodhpurs and threw him off

I was at the end of my tether with this arrogant little toff

When he banged his head on the post of my bed

There were a few scary moments when I thought that he was dead

He just lay on the floor without makin’ a sound

And it took a few minutes before he came around

He was a bit groggy at first

And for my fit of temper I feared the worst

But I needn’t have distressed

For the diminutive dandy was utterly impressed

And told me that I was simply the best

I wasn’t goin’ to disagree

And when he handed me thrice the normal fee

What a relief that was for me

As he could have insisted that the session should have been free

I was glad that there was no ill will

For I couldn’t have gone and complained to the Old Bill

Imagine Nerys goin’ to the police

And sayin’, “I’m a horse and I threw off a toff, and before I got paid, he buggered off.”

They’d have chased me away

And the hilarity of it all would have made their day

I had a little box where I kept the extra cash

I’m sure the others had their own secret stash

And other secrets too

Let me tell you

Like a punter’s wife and the lovely Siobhan

I had a feelin’ that somethin’ was goin’ on

And when I bumped into her in the middle of the night

I don’t know who got the biggest fright

She’d been sneakin’ out of Siobhan’s room

And I knew that I had to keep stumm

As there’d have been the risk that someone might jaw

And the gossip would’ve reached the ears of the law

Relationships like these were highly illicit

Even a bribe would have failed to dismiss it

I’m sure that Robert must’ve been aware

But tried to pretend that he didn’t care

He must’ve cottoned on

Seein’ that the man had a thing for Siobhan

Oh, sister 14. (Memoirs of Sally McGhee iii)

Some o’ them were odd and some were quite shockin’

One even had a weakness for a stockin’

He always brought me a nice silk pair

And another pair for him to wear

He’d strip off his clothes and put on the hose

Then crawl under my dress and rub mine with his nose

When the sniffin’ was done and his man thing rose

He’d ask me politely to remove all my clothes

I’d undress slowly to get him agitated

I loved the way he groaned and salivated

It wasn’t just my nakedness that he anticipated

Puttin’ on the clothes got him stimulated

It must’ve been the fabric that got him animated

Because he needed to feel it while he…

I’m sure you understand

Gratification from his hand

It was a wee bit unnatural and I’m sure you agree

But one thing ye should know about Sally McGhee

Certain things I allowed if there was somethin’ in it for me

And he never failed to impress

For each time he came I got a brand new dress

They certainly weren’t cheap

All the latest fashions I got to keep

Much to the envy of the others

That still had designs much like their mothers

Most of our customers we didn’t get to choose

Whoever we got we’d rightfully abuse

But now and then there was a chance to use

And that was how I also acquired my shoes

I needed somethin’ to match the dresses

Men don’t realise how a woman distresses  

How she can feel incomplete

Havin’ the perfect dress and nothin’ for her feet

So when a customer requested to sniff my shoes

I saw him as one that I could use

The look I gave him was terribly sad

And I told him that those were the only pair I had

He looked at me in complete surprise

And frowned when he saw the tears in my eyes

“Don’t despair,” he said. “Next time I come I shall bring you a pair.”

As the weeks went by he brought more and more

Augmentin’ my eagerness when he came to the door

He’d give me the new pair and use the ones that I was wearin’

There was a rule that he had when it came to the sharin’

I had to wear them all day as there was little chance of airin’

And that’s all he wanted to do

Arouse himself with the odour of my shoe

One night when I was lyin’ alone in my bed

A crazy thought came to my head

What if both o’ them asked me to wed?

What would I do?

Marry the man in the dress?

Or the one that sniffs the shoe?

Oh, sister 13. (Memoirs of Siobhan MacGeary iii)

Well, by then I thought I’d seen everythin’ in life

Until one of the punters brought his wife

Or as Nancy would say, ‘trouble and strife’

It took a while to get used to her Cockney rhymin’ patter

Especially when she used the first word and not the latter 

Like she’d say apples and mean stairs

Ye know, apples and pears

So I was tellin’ ye about the customer and his wife

Bloody hell, I got the shock o’ my life

Thinkin’ that the foibles must be rife

Or somethin’ had to be wrong

There could be no other reasons for bringin’ her along

Well, ye can understand my anxiety

Wonderin’ what the hell she’d want from me

“I’ve come to watch,” she said to me. “I want to bask in his misery.”

“That’s fine by me,” I told her. “But that’ll require an extra fee.”

“Whatever the cost I shall pay it to you. Would you mind if at some stage I joined in too?”

That caught me by surprise

And that dark look in her eyes

It was rather dauntin’

But I kept my composure and asked, “What is it ye’re wantin’?”

“Well, I’m afraid that dear Giles has misbehaved,” she told me. “Never have I seen anything so depraved.”

She mentioned his name

No one does that in this game

Apart from Sarah Lee

But that’s only when he became a she

Not that it made any difference to me

They could be anyone they wanted to be

I asked her what he’d done

And if he was to be punished for his sordid fun

“For what he has done he needs to be flayed,” she replied. “Stooping so low and fornicating with the maid.”

I had to stop myself laughin’ at what she relayed

That image of Giles happily slummin’

And not even hearin’ the missus comin’

“It was only the pretty ones that he hired,” she continued. “But she got her comeuppance and was instantly fired.”

That’s typical o’ the rich

She got dismissed because he had an itch

Punishments were normally done by Nerys

But in this case I was happy to get a wee piece

“Giles, I demand that ye strip!” I yelled at him. “Yer degenerate act calls for the whip!”

The woman chortled with glee. “Make him suffer, do it for me!”

And like a woman insane

I whipped his bare buttocks again and again

Relishin’ his sobs and screams of pain

I then gave the whip to my female guest

And she lashed her man with equal zest

“Please, no more!” he shrieked. “It’s terribly sore!”

“Sore?” she cried. “Then you shouldn’t have cheated with that peasant whore!”

His pleas to stop she continued to ignore

Until eventually she got bored and chased him out the door

That’s when she asked me the question

A rather naughty suggestion

Her and me

I told her that I’d agree if she paid double the fee 

Oh, sister 12. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop iii)

So there was me with money in me purse

And all I ‘ad to do was scream and curse

If I’d told that to the girls back in the East End

They’d ‘ave probably thought that I’d gone round the bend

None of our kind got to rise above our station

But there I was in a unique situation

I ‘ad the power

And it was so bleedin’ rousin’ watchin’ them cower

I’ll never forget my first

The geezer looked proper posh and I feared the worst

I was scared that I’d be chastised for bein’ a rude little peasant

But the gent turned out to be really quite pleasant

And told me what ‘e wanted to do

Or rather what I ‘ad to order ‘im to do

I was to be a senior at ‘is former school

That caught ‘im breakin’ some silly rule

Not bein’ privileged and ‘avin’ an education

I ‘ad to be given a proper explanation

And although I wasn’t exactly coy

I didn’t know ‘ow to behave like a boy

But I did me best

And played the role with resolute zest

First I ordered him to get a broom

Then screamed at ‘im to clean me room

In no time at all it was spick and span

I actually wanted to thank the man

But I ‘ad to play the part and continue to pretend

And made ‘im pull down ‘is trousers and bend

This was a strange situation

I think ‘e called it simulation

Me pushin’ against ‘is bare backside

Sayin’ mockin’ words to dent ‘is male pride  

Tellin’ ‘im that ‘e was a sneaky little dodger

And punishment for that was a jolly good roger

If this was what went on at the upper class schools

Then our lot should be glad to be illiterate fools

This must ‘ave ‘appened when ‘e was a boy

Then somethin’ ‘e later grew to enjoy

I always knew the gentry could be bad

And now I knew that many were mad

But this particular gentleman made me sad

If memories like these were all ‘e ‘ad

But I ‘ad to push me pity aside

Even afterwards when ‘e sat down and cried

There was nothin’ I could do and nothin’ I could say

But just watch the clock ‘til it was time for ‘im to pay

The rest would ‘ave thought that I was a joke

If I told them that a punter almost made me choke

Robert would ‘ave said, “Nancy, don’t be a silly bitch. Ye cannae be feelin’ sorry for the rich. Jist take their money an’ play yer part.”

Yeah, Nancy might be mean, but she also ‘as an ‘eart  

Oh, sister 11. (Memoirs of Robert Brown iii)

Ye could say that business wis good

We never wanted’ an’ there wis always food

An’ wi’ aw that money comin’ in

There wis always spare for whisky an’ gin

Gin wis the chosen drink for any decent whore

An’ whisky wis for the gents when they came tae the door

Ah saw that as a gesture o’ goodwill

Tae have a wee dram before they got their thrill

It’s no as if they were gonnae get inebriated

It wis jist a simple courtesy that wis appreciated

Occasionally ah’d join if we had a special guest

But carefully avoided conversin’ wi’ the rest

Ah know ah can sometimes be a bit rude

But some ah avoided for their ain bloody good

One particular night when ah wis in a pretty foul mood

An’ Siobhan wis daein’ what a whore mother should

Offerin’ her breast tae a baby clad pest

Another broke free an’ crawled up tae me

Bawlin’ like a pitiful wee laddie

Huggin’ ma leg an’ callin’ me daddy

This kind o’ thing ah utterly detested

An’ ma crabby mood wis severely tested

Ah had the urge tae gie the man a damn good thrashin’

It could hardly be called baby bashin’

But thankfully ah managed tae find him a dummy

Clouted his ear an’ sent him back tae mummy

Siobhan

She’d been wonderin’ where the bugger had gone

Ma look o’ disdain became hard to feign

Hearin’ her apologisin’ again an’ again

Eventually ah couldnae contain ma laughter

When ah thought aboot the freak she wis chasin’ after

Moments after that we were rollin’ oan the floor

An’ we laughed so hard until we were sore

Freaks, aye we had oor fair share

An’ few were loonier than Sally’s pair

Wan o’ them wid bark like a hound

An’ the other wid make a cat’s mewin’ sound

This wis their wee fantasy game

An’ the dog an’ the cat each had a name

The cat wis called Tom an’ the dog wis called Fred

An’ tae get Fred started he had tae be fed

Sally wid throw some biscuits oan the floor

An’ he’d gobble them up an’ beg for more

There wis wan time a heard a huge uproar

An’ when ah got there Sally wis runnin’ oot the door

“I told him not to beg!” she cried. “And the randy bugger tried to hump my leg!”

Ah reprimanded him an’ he started tae growl

An’ then looked at me wi’ sad eyes an’ began tae howl

The howlin’ noise set off the cat

Sally screamed when he hissed and spat

“Hey!” ah shouted at him. “Scat!”

An’ that wis the end o’ that

He came back tae Sally later for a friendly pat

After that Sally knew their game

An’ fae that day oan they were fairly tame