Jean Genie . A short story by Grant Harbison

The Jean genie. A short story by Grant Harbison

The metamorphosis is happening, so I’d better get started. What I have to say might sound like the utterings of a raving lunatic, and believe me, when the insanity had started, I had questioned my own sanity. Whether you believe what I’m about to tell you or not is entirely up to you, but I can assure that it is entirely true. Thank goodness I still have an old cassette recorder and a few blank cassettes that I’d bought at a jumble sale a few months before he’d turned my world upside down. I do have this proclivity for collecting out-dated items such as these. What I’d never imagined was how useful it would turn out to be. As usual, my wife hadn’t been impressed, and who could have blamed her. Just more clutter to add to the existing junk that I had stored in the garage. Well, that’s all gone now. Apart from an old mattress, a million or so Monopoly notes that I have packed in boxes, a blow up doll and a matchbox toy Ferrari, the cassette recorder and cassettes are the only items that I have left in this world. Even she has gone. She’d left shortly after the madness had started. Even friends had stopped coming by, and having been raised in an orphanage, I have no other relations that I know of. I suppose I’d better hurry this along. I’m shrinking at an alarming rate and very soon my voice will be no more than a barely audible squeak. So, let me tell you how everything had started.

It’d been Christmas last year and also my thirty fifth birthday. My wife and I had invited friends over to celebrate and she’d prepared the traditional feast. Afterwards we’d all exchanged gifts. Nothing expensive; more the ‘it’s the thought that counts’ kind of gifts like alcohol and chocolates. It was the gift that my friend, John, had given me that’d had me intrigued.

Knowing how much I enjoyed a good red wine, and having been on a recent trip to France with his wife, Patsy, I’d kind of guessed what it would be before I’d unwrapped the present. It wasn’t the 1996 Bordeaux that’d fascinated me, but more the unusual spiral shape of the bottle. I’d thanked him and had put it in the rack with the rest of my collection.

It wasn’t until months later that I’d decided to open the bottle. Stephanie and I had chosen to have a quiet meal at home to celebrate our tenth anniversary, and after we’d finished preparing the food, I’d taken the bottle out of the rack and two glasses from the cupboard. That’s when it had all started. For when I’d removed the cork with a corkscrew, a thick vapour had emanated from the bottle, hung in the air for a few moments, before floating out of the room. Not only that, but the bottle had felt much lighter than when I’d taken it from the rack, as if there was nothing inside it. Confused, I’d tilted the bottle to fill the glasses, but as I’d surmised, the bottle was empty.

“Is there something wrong, love?” Stephanie had asked when she’d seen the look of amazement on my face.

I’d been too flabbergasted to speak.

“Robert?” she’d said with a look of concern.

“There’s nothing inside,” I’d managed to blurt out.

“What do you mean there’s nothing inside?” she’d asked. “I know John has a liking for practical jokes, but giving an empty bottle as a Christmas present, would be pretty inconsiderate, even for him.”

“But that’s just it,” I’d said. “The bottle wasn’t empty. It was full when I took it from the rack.”

I’d gone on to tell her about the strange vapour that had exuded from the bottle when I’d opened it, but she’d just shaken her head and sent me out to buy another bottle. I’d returned with a bottle of claret, and we’d settled down to a delicious prawn curry.

Afterwards, we’d gone to shower, made love and drifted off to sleep. It’d been around two in the morning when I’d heard the noise. It was a scratching noise that had come from inside the wardrobe. At first I’d thought that I was imagining it, but when I’d heard it again, I’d got up to investigate. When I’d opened the wardrobe doors and had seen the miniature person pop out and scurry across the room, I’d fallen backwards to the floor in alarm. The noise had immediately awoken Stephanie and she’d been up like a shot.

“Robert, are you okay?” she’d asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

“The man,” had been all I’d been able to say.

“What man?” she’d asked, looking very perturbed.

“A little man,” I’d replied.

“What little man?”

“He ran out of the cupboard,” I’d replied as I’d looked around the room.

“I think you’d better come back to bed, love,” she’d said. “And I think it’s time that you considered taking some time off work.”

“Yeah, you may be right,” I’d responded as I’d picked myself up from the floor.

I’d taken her advice and had put in for a week’s leave. For the first two days, everything had been normal and I’d managed to get things done during the day that she’d been nagging me to do for months. On the third day, having completed all my tasks, I’d grabbed a beer from the fridge, and watched some music DVD’s that I hadn’t seen in ages. During a song by David Bowie, I’d felt a presence behind me, and when I’d turned around, I’d screamed when I’d seen the huge man behind me.

“Monsieur, do not be alarmed,” he’d said in heavily accented English.

I’d stared at the monstrous figure unable to speak. It should have been hilarious, as he’d had that look of the stereotypical Frenchman with the jersey, thin moustache and beret. All that had been missing was the string of onions around his neck.  

“Who are you?” I’d managed to stammer.

“Jean Genie.”

“I’m going out of my mind,” I’d yelled and rubbed my eyes, thinking that I’d drifted off to sleep and was experiencing some kind of bad dream.

“No, Monsieur, you are perfectly fine. You have freed me and now it’s time for me to grant you three wishes,” he’d told me with a huge grin on his face.

This can’t be happening, was what had being going through my mind at that particular moment.

“Pardon, monsieur, I know this must be a shock for you, but I’m duty bound to grant you those three wishes.

Somehow I’d managed to gain some composure, and had decided to humour him. I hadn’t seen any harm in it as I’d still been convinced that he was all in my mind.

“Okay,” I’d said. “Give me tons of money, a beautiful brunette, and a very expensive car.”

“Merci, monsieur,” he’d said. “Tomorrow when you wake, your wishes will have been granted. But I must warn you that all wishes granted must be granted to someone else when the change has happened.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I’d responded, thinking that I should have an early night and sleep as long as possible.

The following day I’d woken to Stephanie’s screaming, and when I’d come to my senses, I’d seen the enormous amount of board game money on the floor. That hadn’t been the worst of it, as in between my wife and I had been an inflatable doll, and next to my pillow I’d spotted a matchbox car, similar to the toy ones my father had once had.

“What is all this?” Stephanie had yelled.

“I’m not sure,” I’d answered. “I can only assume that it must have been the genie.”

“The genie? Have you gone stark raving mad, Robert?’

“I thought I was, but…”

“But what?”

“I do think that the man has a sense of humour.”

“What man?” she’d yelled.

“The little man I told you about,” I’d answered. “He’s pretty tall now.”

“Robert, you need help,” she’d said and picked up the inflatable doll. “And what’s this? Am I not good enough for you?”

I’d tried to explain, but the more I’d spoken had just made it worse. Within three days, she’d left, taking most of the house contents with her.  He’d appeared once again three days later.

“I suppose you find this bloody funny!” I’d shouted at him.

“You are not pleased with your wishes?” he’d asked innocently.

“Of course I’m not pleased!” I’d responded irately. “That wasn’t what I asked for.”

“Oh, monsieur, that was exactly what you asked for,’ he’d said and chortled. “Maybe you should have been more specific.”

Feeling an anger that I’d never felt before, I’d rushed towards him with arms outstretched, aiming to grab him by the throat, But as I’d gotten closer, he’d disappeared. Moments later, he’d reappeared in the corner of the room.

“The change will happen soon,” he’d told me. “When the time is right for you to enter the bottle, I will be here to seal it. Au revoir, monsieur.”

“Wait!” I’d cried, but he’d disappeared into thin air.

At first the change had been very subtle. One inch every few days. But now it is happening faster and faster, and soon I’ll be smaller than my pinky finger. All I ask is for you to listen, and open the bottle when you find it, whether you believe what I’ve said or not.   

  

Oh, sister 42. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop ix)

Oh, Robert’s face when ‘e saw me

It ‘ad looked like ‘e was ragin’ with jealousy

And I just loved Lord Montgomery’s supremacy

The way ‘e commanded me

To go and get Jeeves for a romp for three

That’s when Robert stormed out of the ‘ouse

The louse

Back to ‘is pet

Yvette

She might ‘ave ‘ad what I wanted to get

But I ‘eard Montgomery threaten to bring ‘er more shame

Robert only ‘ad ‘imself to blame

I anticipated ‘er pain

With the ‘ope that it would drive Robert insane

So I used me feminine powers of persuasion

Mentionin’ to ‘is Lordship about the seriousness of the situation

And told ‘im that for Robert’s insolence

There ‘ad to be consequence

That appealed to ‘is twisted mind

And ‘e said, “You are right, little whore. What do you have in mind?”

“Well, we both know where ‘e is weak,” I replied. “Maybe you should use ‘er if it’s vengeance that you seek.”

“And what would you have me do?” ‘e asked me. “It seems to me that you’ll derive pleasure from that too.”

“Robert was mine, you see,” I said. “She’s the one that took ‘im from me.”

I sensed some aggression

But ‘e softened and asked, “Why should I indulge your obsession?”

“Because I’m willin’ to do anythin’ you ask me to,” I whispered seductively. “Be your slave and do anythin’ for you.”

“Yes, I would like obedience and allegiance,” he said and commanded me to bend.

I winced as I felt ‘im penetrate me and pound my rear end

“I have a meeting at midnight,” he told me when ‘e came to the end. “I insist that you attend.”

I was led to a secret room later that night

It was so bloody creepy that I was shiverin’ with fright

And when I saw figures dressed in robes appear

Well, that just further exacerbated my fear

My ‘eart pounded

When me eyes adjusted to the dimness and I realised that I was surrounded

“Whore, do not falter!” Lord Montgomery shouted at me. “Remove your clothing and go to the alter!”

Tremblin’ in terror, I screamed, “I don’t understand!”

“Silence!” Montgomery shouted. “Obey my command!”

Just as I finished removin’ me gown

I was carried to the alter and forced to lie down

Four of them ‘eld me and I screamed for me life

When I saw ‘is Lordship ‘oldin’ a knife

“Will you renounce the light and darkness embrace?” Montgomery asked me and flashed the knife in front of my face.

I didn’t quite understand

But I knew that I ‘ad to agree to ‘is demand

Because if I didn’t I’d surely be dead

“Yes!” I cried and nodded me ‘ead.

“Then do what I tell you without hesitation,” he said. “Get down on the floor and prepare for initiation.”

Immediately I got down on me knees

For everyone present to do as they please

Oh, sister 41. (Memoirs of Robert Brown ix)

It was Yvette that broke the news tae me

Aboot Montgomery and Sally McGhee

He even insisted that she had an affair wi’ me

The story spread quickly through London’s high society

Causin’ poor Yvette much anxiety

Because gossipin’ in their world often lingers

Accompanied wi’ sneers an’ pointed fingers

There was nae point in tryin’ tae deny the accusation

It would have jist provoked more aggravation

Most never knew him for the deviant he was

And his close knit friends seemed tae relish his cause

It wis rumoured that once he’d had tea wi’ the Queen

So naebody wid believe that the man could be obscene

The only thing ah could dae wis take it oan the chin

This wee skirmish ah’d never win

Ah decided a wee visit widnae dae any harm

But the idea caused Yvette much alarm

“Robert, what good could it possible do?” she cried. “You’re not going to get an apology from Hugh.”

“The man’s got a cheek,” ah said. “If ah don’t go see him it’ll look like ah’m weak.”

“Oh, that foolish male pride!” she moaned. “No one will think that you’re trying to hide. Some things in life we have to ignore.”

Ah didnae agree and walked oot the door

On arrival at Montgomery’s the butler let me in

I wis led tae the drawin’ room an’ offered some gin

Ah shook ma head

An’ told him tae pour me a whisky instead

It wis a while before Montgomery came through

“Hello, Robert,” he greeted. “What can I do for you?”

He seemed pleased to see me an’ stuck oot his hand

Ah refused it an’ said, “Ah’m sure ye understand.”

“Oh, come now, Robert. Don’t be sore,” he said. “I had to think of something as she was beginning to bore.”

“Well, yer private life is yer own, so stay oot o’ mine,” ah said tae him. “Stick tae that an’ we’ll baith be fine.”

“Dear chap, do I take that as a threat?” he asked. “That would be something you’ll deeply regret.”

“Well, ye’ll find that ah give as good as ah get,” ah told him. “Jist stay away fae me an’ Yvette.”

His facial expression turned to a sneer. “She is such a dear. Does she know that you are here?”

“Naw, she disnae,” ah lied. “The poor wee lassie is petrified.”

"Then for her sake walk out the door,” he snarled. “I may still require her services like that of a whore.”

“Never again will ye go that far!” ah yelled. “Wan o’ these days ye’ll be exposed for the coward ye are!”

Jist then Nancy came through

And said to Montgomery, “I do ‘ope ‘e ain’t insultin’ you.”

“There’s nothing to worry about, my pretty little one,” he said. “Go and get Jeeves and let’s have a little fun.”

In anger ah headed for the door

There wis a time ah fancied that Cockney wee whore

But no more

But it added tae ma frustration

How easily he won people by intimidation

Ah wis determined tae make that cease

And ah wis helped by a wee visit fae Nerys

Givin’ me the truth aboot Nancy

Her thievery and who she really did fancy

Oh, sister 40. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones viii)

Never would I have thought that I’d fancy Siobhan

And the confusion made me wonder what was goin’ on

At first I thought that it might have been a phase

Emotionally I was in a daze

For if I’d ever been approached by one of my own gender

And the chance of me surrenderin’ would have been greatly slender

But the pull was so strong that I couldn’t ignore

That’s why I found myself knockin’ on her door

We had a relentless desire for intimacy

Every mornin’ we’d locked the front door at three

And indulge in our passion fervently

Knowin’ that somehow we were meant to be

That was until the rude interruption from Sally McGhee

Who arrived one mornin’ unexpectedly

Catchin’ Siobhan and me in the act

And havin’ never been one for showin’ tact

Said, “Ooh, I seem to be interruptin’. Siobhan, I take it that it’s you who’s corruptin’. I’ll go away, but when you are done, I have somethin’ to relay.”   

We found her in the sittin’ room with gin in hand

“That little bitch,” she seethed. “She had it all planned.”

“Who?” I asked. “Has somethin’ happened with you and Hugh?”

“Aye,” she replied. “Ye could say that Nancy has taken his fancy.”

“I don’t understand what’s goin’ on,” said Siobhan.

“Oh, I do and believe you me,” said Sally. “She’s managed successfully to fool us three. Robert might be a selfish get, and that same reason led to his affair with Yvette. But thievin’? Maybe that’s what she wanted us believin’.”

“I’m not comin’ to her defence,” I said. “But what you are sayin’ doesn’t make sense.” 

“Robert is her true affection,” Sally explained. “His relationship with Yvette was the ultimate rejection.”

“But how do you know this true?” I asked. “And why would Hugh want her rather than you?”

“Well, you’ve seen his true colours,” she replied. “The man is incapable of havin’ any regard for others. Nancy convinced him to throw me out, and referred to Robert as a thievin’ lout. But she took the money, I have no doubt. It was the look on her face when I mentioned Robert’s name. I’m tellin’ ye now, she’s to blame.”

“Let’s say she’s to blame,” I said. “What’s her game?”

“Probably to get revenge on he who spurns,” Siobhan reacted. “Bitter is the rejected heart that burns.”

“She’s already witnessed Hugh’s humiliation of Yvette,” said Sally. “But now that she’s become Montgomery’s new pet, she’ll want to see it exacerbated. With Robert helpless and utterly deflated, her hope for his love will be inflated.”

“I think the three of us and Robert should meet,” I suggested. “At least let him know about her deceit.”

“After what they did to me?” Siobhan cried. “They deserve all they get for the duplicity.”

“I’m so sorry, Siobhan,” I said. “You are right. They are the ones that should be contrite.”

“I say that we wait and see what transpires,” Sally said. “It shouldn’t be too long before Montgomery tires.”

“Well, she better not show her face at our door,” I said. “I’ll most certainly thump that thievin’ little whore.”

So, Sally was back

And the next day we heard of another Ripper attack

He certainly was brazen, this man called Jack

Even though Whitechapel wasn’t near

Once again we felt the fear

As the murders were happening in the very same town

I certainly missed Robert Brown 

Oh, sister 39. (Memoirs of Sally McGhee viii)

Apart from a select few

London’s high society never knew the real Hugh

And if they did they’d have probably had a heart attack

As when it came to sex he was a maniac

Gender or class didn’t matter to Hugh

His Lordship just used who he wanted to

He sought degradation and he loved to degrade

He even had me watch while he rogered our maid

Oh, you should have seen that look on her face

Sympathy for me and horror for her own disgrace

But Hugh only saw her as one that he desired

I guess after that he must have tired

And I presume that she must have been fired

For two days after that Nancy had been hired

But I got the cold shoulder whenever I tried to confide

She was more interested in Hugh and was always by his side

My suspicion grew  

Somethin’ wasn’t right and I had to tell the other two

And I was right

Wakin’ once again in the middle o’ the night

In an empty bed with no Hugh in sight

I’d seen so much and assumed I was beyond shock

Since that time I’d seen Hugh in a wig and a frock

With his lips wrapped around the butler’s …

Aye, I know that I’ve mentioned that before

But when I heard Nancy’s voice outside a door

I wanted to clout the deceivin’ wee whore

So I turned the door handle and got ready to confront

But when I saw Hugh’s face in Nancy’s …

Ye know what I mean

I was faced with a scene that was far more obscene

For while Hugh enthusiastically dined

The butler fervently took Hugh from behind

The butler looked at me in shock and Nancy smiled

Hugh lifted his head and I could see that he was riled

No shame or a look of bein’ perturbed

He was merely angry at bein’ disturbed

“Get out now and close the door!” he screamed at me. “I’ve found myself a more willing whore!”

“Hugh, I don’t know what’s got into you!” I cried. “Why on earth would you want me to marry you?”

“I liked you at first, but you became such a bore,” he said. “Now I have a whore that I truly adore. So, go away now and close the door. Pack your bag and leave in the morning, I don’t want to see you anymore.”

I could only stare at him with a feelin’ o’ dread

“Go on, Sally,” Nancy said. “As from now I’ll be sharin’ ‘is bed.”

“Nancy, what’s yer game?” I asked her. “This was to get back at Robert, have you no shame?”

“Sally, I don’t know what you’re talkin’ about,” she replied. “I’d never ‘ave anythin’ to do with that thievin’ lout.”

“Get out now, or I shall have to use force!” Hugh yelled at me. “I shall see that you get something after our divorce.”

“You haven’t heard the end o’ this, Nancy Trollop,” I said, tryin’ hard not run at her and give her a bloody good wallop.

“I ain’t afraid of you,” she said. “I’ve got your man, and there ain’t nothin’ you can do. And I’m goin’ to do whatever ‘e asks me too.”  

Oh, sister 38. (Memoirs of Siobhan MacGeary viii)

With Nancy now workin’ for Montogomery

It wasn’t that easy with just Nerys and me

Business took a slump

And Nerys took the hump

After I demanded an equal share

Moanin’ the fact that there was little to spare

Eventually we had to agree

That every tenth customer could have a session for free

That seemed to do the trick

Response to the offer was very quick

And business once more began to accrue

And very demandin’ considerin’ that we were two

Every night there were queues

Some eager to be abused and some eager to abuse

There were times that I wanted to weep

From the extended hours and lack o’ sleep

Sometimes it felt like a chore

And times that I wanted a new life instead o’ a whore

Nerys felt the pressure as well

And our frayed relationship began to tell

Worsened by a punter’s request

That put our friendship to the test

So much different to her customary smother

He wanted to see us have sex with each other

Well, as you know I’ve been there before

But Nerys had never been a woman’s whore

At first she refused to bend

And it made matters worse that I was her friend

The request affected her anxiety

And it had much the same effect on me

But the punter proceeded to throw money on the floor

Smiled at both of us and threw some more

Until the amount that piled up was hard to ignore

I took Nerys aside and whispered in her ear

That I would take control and she had no need to fear

And to her sexual pleasure I would see

There was money to be had and she had to agree

She looked me in the eye and nodded her head

And soon we were naked in my bed

Locked in intimacy

Soon both cryin’ out in ecstacy

Hearin’ the soft deep groans from he who wanted to see

Which soon became a mighty roar

Before he spilled onto the floor

And cried that he’d soon be back for more

Threw us some more money and walked out the door

At that moment I had the need to be inebriated

That easy money had to be celebrated

But Nerys hadn’t felt the same way

She was overcome with shame and had nothin’ to say

For days after that she couldn’t look me in the eye

And that awkwardness made me want to cry

But one mornin’ after our last customer had gone

I heard her outside my door, cryin’, “Siobhan.”

I opened the door to let her in

And shyly she came in holdin’ a bottle o’ gin

After a few we were under the covers

Nerys and I had become unlikely lovers 

Oh, sister 37. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop viii)

It ‘ad all seemed too good to be true

Bein’ invited to a rich man’s do

We should have known there’d be method to Montgomery’s madness

Sally played her part feignin’ tears and sadness

After all, it was Robert we were out to get

And I really enjoyed the misery on the face of Yvette

Oh, Robert were terribly upset

And got a damn good ‘idin’ tryin’ to protect ‘is posh pet

You know what was really funny?

It weren’t ‘im that stole the bees and ‘oney

It were me that pinched the cash

And got meself a nice little stash

Now, why would Nancy ‘ave stooped to such treachery?

Is what you’re probably askin’ me

Well, because ‘e never noticed me

After we moved in with the other three

I was ‘ead over ‘eels with Robert Brown

But since ‘e started actin’ like a man about town

I was never given a second glance

All me life I’d ‘oped for romance

Never ‘ad I been in love before

And my feelings just got ‘arder to ignore

But to ‘im I was still Nancy the ‘ore  

I fancied ‘im since that first night we’d met

And ‘is love and affection I tried ‘ard to get

But no, ‘e ‘ad to go off with that bitch Yvette

That choice I set out to make ‘im regret

I wasn’t done yet

I felt a little bad about deceivin’ the other three

But Robert Brown belonged to me

And if that took an act of duplicity

That was ‘ow it was goin’ to be

I thought that Sally could ‘elp in bringin’ ‘im down to size

But Lord Montgomery’s actions were a ‘uge surprise

I initially thought that she were in control

But ‘e’d be better ‘elpin’ me achieve my goal

So, soon after that me plans were laid

The first thing I did was get rid of Sally’s maid

That weren’t too difficult to do

We’d engaged in somethin’ that were strictly taboo

And if exposed it’d have caused such a ‘uge ballyhoo

She knew what to do

She ‘ad no doubts in ‘er mind that I’d see it through

That’s ‘ow I became employed

And after a few days I was overjoyed

When ‘is Lordship started showin’ an interest in me

I needed ‘im to get rid of Sally McGhee

Divorce ‘er and marry me

I was extremely zealous

But I ‘ad to do somethin’ to make Robert jealous

Montgomery was enough to make any girl sick

But total obedience to that pompous …

Well, that was the only thing that’d do the trick

I’d spent most me life lyin’ on me back

A little sacrifice to get Robert back.