Oh, sister 26. (Memoirs of Robert Brown vi)

Giles’ funeral wis a lavish affair

But most were only there because they had tae be there

Absence would’ve been a huge disgrace

An’ there wis the risk of rebuff for not showin’ yer face

It wis the scandal

The shock for many wis too much handle

Giles’ masochistic ways

Found deid in an alley wearin’ women’s claes

And what exacerbated the horror even more

Wis the design o’ the dress that he wore

The favoured fashion o’ the common whore

The women at the service were highly critical

An’ the men were indubitably hypocritical

For many were regulars at ma door

Dressin’ like whores an’ so much more

Ma presence disturbed these familiar faces

Filled them wi’ fear that ah might air their disgraces

They approached me wi’ nervous smiles

No tae engage in small talk or chat aboot Giles

But tae offer me money tae shut ma mooth

Ah rebuked the reprobates for bein’ uncouth

And promised that ma lips would remain sealed

As long as ma identity wis never revealed

Ah wis eyed wi’ curiosity by the rest o’ the set

Wonderin’ who ah was an’ what ah wis daein’ wi’ Yvette

Yvette introduced me as an auld friend o’ Giles

An’ told them that for the funeral ah’d travelled many miles

Ah wis greeted by most wi’ politeness an’ smiles

But some were indifferent and ah got the occasional frown

“That’s strange,” ah heard wan o’ them say. “Giles never mentioned Lord Robert Brown.”

It didnae matter tae me because ah knew very soon

That Robert Broon wid be the talk o’ the toon

Or should ah say, Robert Brown would be the talk of the town

Ah had tae get used tae this new way o’ speakin’

Ah couldnae risk havin’ ma secret leakin’

Accordin’ tae Yvette ah did very well

An’ any hint o’ workin’ class would’ve been impossible tae tell

Deception is what ah dae best

An’ seein’ that ah past the test

Yvette informed the rest that ah wis her guest

An’ that ah’d be stayin’ wi’ her durin’ her time o’ grievin’

No that ah wis plannin’ oan leavin’

It wis a brilliant start

An’ ah really enjoyed playin’ the part

After the service we said oor goodbyes

An’ Yvette wiped the crocodile tears fae her eyes

Oh, ah have tae mention

Before we left ah had some female attention

An’ some forthright whispers o’ wicked intention

But Yvette wis the wan ah wis interested in

An’ as soon as we got home we gave in tae sin

The desire ignited as soon as we kissed

An’ ah realised that it wis somethin’ that ah sorely missed

Oh, sister 25. (Memoirs of Nerys Jones v)

I’d been gettin’ some nervous looks from Siobhan

But I sensed that there was more than an illicit affair goin’ on

I had a feelin’ that Robert knew

And things were bein’ kept from me and the other two

It was certain that he had some devious plan

Robert could be a very evasive man

I’d begun to get bored with the usual requests

From the effeminate fops and the pain lovin’ pests

But one day I got one like no other

When a middle aged man came with his elderly mother

I soon found out why

“I wish to be a grandmother before I die,” she informed me. “But this boy of mine is incredibly shy.”

His name was Cedric and he was forty years old

Always there for mother and doin’ what he was told

She told me that women filled him with dread

And if one even spoke to him he’d blush bright red

Such shyness in a man I’d never seen

His behaviour was like that of a pimply teen

What a sheltered life he’d led

Never had a woman ever shared his bed

Well, apart from mother when he had a nightmare

But that can’t compare to a passionate affair

It was a bit sad to hear of what he’d missed

The tragic little fellow hadn’t even been kissed

His mother had arranged for him to be married

And the poor little sod was understandably harried 

That’s why she brought him to me

To rid him of his terrible timidity

I agreed to try and teach him intimacy

And asked her to give us some privacy

“No!” she cried. “I’m here to observe!”

Crikey, the woman had a nerve

I didn’t want to argue and began to undress

Cedric was shakin’ from extreme distress

“Cedric, don’t be coy!” his mother yelled. “Remove your clothes at once, boy!”

I grimaced at the man’s pitiful cries

And gaped at him with utter surprise

When my nakedness made him cover his eyes

“Mummy,” he wailed. “Please!”

But she shook her head at his desperate pleas

“I’m not giving in to those pathetic cries,” she told him. “Go to the whore and make that thing rise.”

I didn’t know what to do with the sobbin’ wimp

For even after coaxin’ he still remained limp

“Perhaps if you go,” I said to the mother. “Maybe it’s you that’s causin’ his woe.”

“No!” she shouted. “I told you I was here to observe the show.”

I decided I would have to take it very slow

Try everythin’ I knew to make it grow

I even got down on my knees

With lips and tongue I began to tease

And then suddenly it burst into life

There was some hope for his future wife

To the bed I beckoned

And we didn’t waste another second

In a matter of seconds he was done

But at least the poor fellow had a bit of fun

And mother was happy with her brave little chappie

Oh, sister 24. (Memoirs of Sally McGhee v)

We all got requests that were exceptionally bizarre

But the ones that I got were crazier by far

Some were kinky and some were perverted

But seldom was I disconcerted

That was due to somethin’ that Robert had imparted

About a fool and his money and how soon they were parted

With Robert lookin’ out for us we never had to worry

A rowdy customer would have been removed in a hurry

Not that any did us harm

Robert might have had charm

But the Scot’s fiery temper was cause for alarm

All our efforts were appreciated

He just didn’t like a lass to be inebriated

That was somethin’ he never tolerated

But one night a customer came in

And wanted me to share his bottle o’ gin

Robert’s rule I had to ignore

This was easy money for a thirsty whore

So while I locked the door

The customer got two mugs and began to pour

Down the hatch they went and he filled them once more

I think I lost count after drink number four

But we carried on drinkin’ ‘til there was hardly any more

That’s when I stood up and fell to the floor

I managed to get up and stagger to the door

With difficulty I should add as my leg was sore

Oh, mercy me

I was really quite drunk and needed to pee

Moments later I was aghast

When the man I was with wouldn’t let me past

I began to plead

“Please, sir,” I said. “I have an urgent need.”

But he was totally unconcerned about my dismay

And when I tried to get past he blocked the way

I felt the pressure mountin’

And heard him mention somethin’ about a human fountain

That was to be me

And he was goin’ to be the W.C.

Well, at that point in time I didn’t care about humiliation

I was on the verge of desperation

So I quickly pulled my bloomers down

And he crawled eagerly underneath my gown

I instantly got goin’ and he cried out with elation

When he felt the gush of the sordid saturation

As soon as I was done I showed him the door

Excitedly he told me that he’d soon be back for more

“Ye can come back next week,” I said. “Bring another bottle o’ gin and I’ll provide the leak.”

Immediately I got goin’ and scrubbed the floor

And not long afterwards there was a knock on my door

“Sally, what the hell is goin’ on?” cried Siobhan.

I got up of the floor and swore

And then hid what was left o’ the gin and invited her in

“What happened to that man?” she asked. “He was absolutely soakin’.”

When I told her the truth she thought that I was jokin’

Oh, sister 22. (Memoirs of Nancy Trollop v)

I never liked the undertaker

The ‘orrid little runt weren’t exactly a troublemaker

But if things didn’t go ‘is way

Then ‘e’d storm out of the ‘ouse and refuse to pay

Do you wanna know ‘ow the toerag got ‘is thrill?

By makin’ me lie still

Like death

Oh, and that ‘orrible breath

When he got close

That terrible pong went right up my nose

So I would lie there givin’ ‘im that corpse like stare

While ‘e slowly and painstakin’ly stripped me bare

I wasn’t even allowed to move a little bit

Otherwise the degenerate would ‘ave a screamin’ fit

I ‘ad to lie there on the bed and pretend to be dead

I know that sounds a little bit iffy

But if everythin’ was right ‘e’d ‘ave a stiffy in a jiffy

Ready to take me at will

But first ‘e ‘ad to make sure that I was completely still

So the ‘e could relish in the fantasy ‘e was about to fulfil

Even the thought would give most girls a chill

And when ‘e began to thrust

Silence was an absolute must

Lyin’ there waitin’ for ‘im to spill

A scream from me would’ve been awfully shrill

At least it was always quick

But that didn’t stop me feelin’ sick

I even asked Robert to keep ‘im away    

But ‘e just wanted to avoid an affray 

“Jist dae whatever he asks ye tae dae,” ‘e said. “Chances are we’ll need a favour someday.”

“Are you mad in the ‘ead?” I said. “Do I look like I need a bed for the dead?”

Robert laughed until ‘e was chokin’ and coughin’

“Naw, ya silly moo!” he cried. “I wisnae oan aboot a free bloody coffin!”

I ‘ad no idea of what ‘e meant

What else was there to get from the despicable gent?

And then suddenly I understood what ‘e said

It’s somethin’ that fills every ‘ore with dread

Crikey, I’d be mortified

If one of me customers suddenly died

But if there was a chance to make the body disappear

The Old Bill would be none the wiser that ‘e were ever ‘ere

“Nancy, the undertaker an’ me have made a deal,” Robert told me. “If we ever have a body, he’ll help tae conceal. If there’s no a body, then there’s naebody tae blame. The deceased will be buried wi’ a fictitious name.”

And that’s exactly what ‘appened a week after we spoke

One of Nerys’ ‘ad a stroke

Fell to the floor and banged is ‘ead

Nerys kept screamin’, “The man is dead!”

“Somebody calm her doon,” Robert told the rest o’ us. “Ah need tae bring the undertaker aroon’.”

We ‘ad to be discreet

Makin’ sure no one was out in the street

Everyone played their part

Carryin’ the corpse to the ‘orse and cart

And gettin’ ‘im in a box before anyone clocks 

The men departed without delay

Just to get the body out of the way

It was a great relief to ‘ave avoided a blunder

Early in the morn ‘e was six feet under