Oh, brother (part 68) by Grant Harbison

Deplorium was awoken in his bed

By the sharp point of a sword that was pressed against his head

He stared in terror and his heart instantly pounded

When he saw that the laird’s soldiers had him surrounded

“Get oot o’ bed,” said the soldier who had the sword to his head. “Ye’ve been summoned tae Laird MacBlach’s. You an’ the two wee Sassenachs.”

“Why?” asked Deplorium. “Ah’ve done nothin’ wrong.”

“Jist dae what ah say or ah’ll slay ye where ye lay,” responded the soldier. “An’ gie yersel’ a wash first. Ye really pong!”

Deplorium got washed and dressed and went to wake up Truman and Borium

“You look very pale,” Borium said to Deplorium. “Does something ail?”

“Look, try not tae be scared. Some soldiers have come tae take us tae the laird.”

Borium stared at him wide eyed. “I’m not scared, I’m petrified!”

“Lord have mercy on us this day,” whined Truman and got down on his knees and started to pray.

“Och, would you two hush,” said Deplorium irritably. “Get yersel’s ready. We need tae rush.”

A little while later they arrived at the manor house

“Ye’ve been pilferin’ again, Deplorium,” said MacBlach. “An’ don’t try tae deny it, ya sneaky wee louse.”

“Laird Macblach, ah dinnae ken what ye mean.”

MacBlach eyed him with contempt. “How many times has it been?”

“Ah’ll admit ah havnae been a saint, but ah’ve changed ma ways an’ learned constraint.”

“Dinnae lie tae me!” yelled MacBlach angrily. “Or ye’ll find yersel’ swingin’ fae a tree!”

“Laird MacBlach, ah’m beggin’ ye, please!” bawled Deplorium and fell to his knees. “Ah really dinnae ken what ye’re oan aboot!”

“Where’s the loot?”

“It might help if ye say who it belongs tae.”

“It belongs tae me. Some o’ it wis recovered doon by the sea.”

“Then ah ken yer man. It could only be Hamish MacCann.”

“Ye’re as desperate as a condemned witch. Ye’d dae anythin’ tae save yer skin. Even snitch.”

“Naw, ah swear it’s true. Ah’d never dare lie tae you. The other night ah went for a pail o’ ale an’ he told me that he had goods an’ tried tae make a sale.”

“That sounds tae me like a very tall tale.”

“Ah ken where he keeps his wares. At the back o’ the tavern at the top o’ the stairs.”

“Ah’ll send ma men tae have a look. And if ye’re lyin’? It’ll no be the rope, ye’ll bloody well cook!”