Oh, brother (part 90) by Grant Harbison

“A word of warning,” said Countess White to Maude and Paine the following morning. “Drac is a virile boy, and when it comes to the ladies, he’s certainly not coy. He’ll definitely turn on the charm, but I can assure you that he’ll do you no harm. If he continues to persist, be polite but firmly resist. Your insistence will keep him at a distance.”

“Thank you for the advice,” said Paine. “We shall remain stoic if he tries to entice.”

Suddenly there was banging on the front door

“Countess White!” hollered Clyde from the hallway. “Shall I open for that insufferable bore?”

“Yes, Clyde. After that you have my permission to hide.”

Clyde was knocked to the floor as soon as he opened the door

And yelled as his attacker continued to attack

“Uncle Sweet!” the assailant yelled. “Drac’s back!”

“I know it’s you!” yelled the countess. “And leave Clyde alone, he’s a century older than you!”

“Where are you?”

“I’m in the dining room, come on through!”

Maude and Paine stared with mouths agape 

At the debonair man with the red and black cape

He gave them a brief glance and turned to the countess

“Uncle Sweet, why are you wearing a dress?”

“Transylvanian fashion is my latest passion.”

“It’s inane,” he remarked and once again eyed Maude and Paine. “I say, are these two prey?”

“No, they are friends who have come to stay. So be on your best behaviour. I forbid you to play.”

“Aw, can’t I just have one? It’s been ages since I’ve had a little fun.”

“Drac, stop your whining this instance!” These two ladies are in need of your assistance.”

“Yes, they are under a spell. Whoever cast it did very well.”

“Are you saying that you may not be able to break?”

“No, Uncle Sweet. I just don’t know how long it will take.”

“You can start after we’ve all had something to eat. You can pour the wine, I’ll cook the meat.”   

Oh, brother (part 89) by Grant Harbison

Countess White listened keenly to Maude and Paine

As they spoke about Claude and Blaine

About their own lives and their profession  

And how one little carnal session

Led to their newfound love and obsession

“So, that’s how we ended up coming this way,” said Maude when they’d finished what they had to say.

“That’s quite a story,” remarked the countess. “But it seems to me that not all is hunky dory.”

“And why would that be?” asked Maude. “All seems fine to me.”

“Yes, Countess,” said Paine. “Would you care to explain?”

“The love you have for one another. To me it seems like it was created by some other. You may think that this is how you feel, but I’m almost positive that the feeling isn’t real. When you spoke of your love it sounded prepared and there was a tremor in your voices as if you were scared.”

“Well, I can assure you that all is well,” said Maude agitatedly. “When Paine and I made love, it was in love that I fell.”

“And love for Maude is what I feel!” cried Paine anxiously. “How can you say that it isn’t real?”

“Listen to your voices, hear that quiver!” exclaimed White. “Look at yourselves, look how you shiver! These are indications that all is not well. My darlings, it seems to me like you’re both under a spell.’

“Sweet Lilly White, it can’t be right!” yelled Maude. “You should be contrite!”

“If it’s to keep us together, then I don’t care,” said Paine. “For what we have is really quite rare.’

“Spells can last a long time, but never for ever,” said White. “And the pain will be greater if soon you don’t sever.”

“We will never sever!” cried Maude. “We are together forever. I’ll do anything to save our romance. Even if it is a spell, I’ll take that chance.”

“Do you really want to live your life being controlled, knowing that someone else has that hold?”

“Sweet Lilly White, how do we solve our plight?” asked Paine. “I have no knowledge of spells or how to break. Is there a way it can be done without causing heartache?”

“It can be broken, that I can guarantee. But as for your relationship, we will have to wait and see. If I can get help, will you both agree?”

Paine nodded her head with a feeling of dread

Confronted with a decision that she may rue

Maude reluctantly nodded hers too

“Good,” said Countess White. “Tomorrow my nephew will be back. For situations like these he has a knack. I’m sure you will like Viscount Drac.”

Oh, brother (part 88) by Grant Harbison

Blaine had a feeling of distress as he was about to mount Bess

“Blaine, what’s the delay?” asked the horse. “It’s time we were oan oor way.”

“Some thoughts are troublin’ me, my lovely mare.”

“Jist get oan, ah dinnae care!”

Borium and Truman stood at the horse’s side

Waiting patiently for Blain to ride

For a moment they sensed that something was wrong

But when the horse got going they broke into song

“No woe, no woe. It’s off to the stake we go. An innocent man we slayed one day and for that crime we have to pay. No woe, no woe, no woe, no woe!”

“Och, they sound so happy,” stated Bess. “Noo, cheer up, Blaine. There’s a good chappie.”

“I sometimes feel sad when I think of Paine,” said Blaine.

“It’ll no be long until ye see her again, an’ she’ll throw her arms aroon’ her bonnie swain.”

“But what if she’s dead?”

“Blaine, remove that silly thought fae yer head. These two are the ones that’ll soon be dead. An’ as soon as that happens, she’ll be free tae wed.”

“Thanks, Bess. I feel much better.”

“Ah’ll be wi’ ye until ye finally get her.”

Her words gave Blaine some piece of mind

And he was lost in thought until the weather became unkind

That’s when Borium and Truman pitifully whined

Blaine turned to see that they were lagging behind

“Bess, it’s seems like those two have lost their zest. I think it’s time we took a rest. I hope ye don’t mind?”

“Actually, ah do. So ye better speak tae the other two. If they’re as lackadaisical tomorrow, there’ll be tears an’ sorrow. We’ll find a sheltered place tae spend the night, but be prepared tae leave at the first sign o’ light.”

Bess began to trot

And it wasn’t long before they found a suitable spot

When the other two arrived at the place

They were struggling for breath and red in the face

“At last!” cried Borium. “A place to rest!”

“Ye took yer time!” Blaine scolded them. “Bess is not impressed.”

“You try walking at such a pace,” complained Truman. “This is a journey, not a race.”

“Och, stop yer whingin’,” said Bess. “The sooner we get tae oor destination, the sooner ye’ll be singein’.”

“Borium and I can’t wait to be set alight, but something tells us that these thoughts are not right.”

“These thoughts ye must spurn. Ye’ll both feel better when it’s yer turn tae burn. Noo, have somethin’ tae eat an’ have a good rest. Tomorrow will be an even tougher test.”

“Thank you, Bess. Tomorrow Borium and I will do our best.”  

Oh, brother (part 87) by Grant Harbison

Deplorium’s capture caused Ilirium to cry out in jubilation

Jess and Beryl shared his exultation

But Shear remained apprehensive

“Shear, my dear,” said Jess. “You be lookin’ very pensive.”

“Let’s drink to celebrate and have some fun!” cried Ilirium. “Come on, Shear. We have won!”

“Aye, there’s nothin’ noo tae fear, Shear,” said Beryl. “Come an’ join the cheer. Jist don’t drink too much brew. Ye’re no carryin’ one child, ye’re carryin’ two. Ah bet ye thought that we never knew.”

“I’d guessed that my condition wouldn’t have escaped you,” said Shear. “But let’s leave that aside, we still have much to do. So I would suggest that no one partake in the brew.”

“What other problem could there possible be?” moaned Ilirium. “We have complete control over the other three.”

“Ilirium, we could have a situation that is equally dire.”

Jess eyed Shear with fear. “The vampire?”

Shear nodded her head. “I’m not acquainted with the powers of the undead.”

“Shear, ah cannae see how any problems can accrue,” said Beryl. “The women are under a spell an’ they havnae got a clue.”

“I may be wrong or I may be right, but something worries me about that transvestite. Vampires are creatures of the night and ones I know not how to fight. All I know is that they have the ability to take flight, and when they knock on someone’s door in the middle of the night, they’re compelled to open up and possessed with a bite. The women may be under a spell and may have nothing to tell, but if the vampire is perceptive, then it shouldn’t be too difficult to see that all is not well.”

“Some cloves o’ garlic might dae the trick,” said Beryl. “Ah bought some fae a Gaul the last time ah wis in Wick.”

“Beryl, the creatures be livin’ death,” said Jess. “I doubt if they’d be worried about a little bad breath.”

“Aye, but it’s the blood that it purifies. One wee bite an’ the vampire dies.”

“That sounds to me like an old wife’s tale,” remarked Shear. “It’d be worth a try, but a cert to fail.”

“At the moment we have no cause to worry,” said Ilirium. “Don’t you think we should get the others going in a hurry?”

“Yes,” replied Shear. “Beryl, it’s time to be Bess. I shall lie down and wait for a vision, or a voice to help me make the right decision.” 

Oh, brother (part 86) by Grant Harbison

In a dining room that had very little light

Maude and Paine waited for Sweet Lilly White

“Good morning, ladies,” she greeted when she arrived. “I trust that you both slept well last night.”

“Yes, thank you, Countess,” replied Paine. “A decent sleep was needed and the bed was just right. There’s something I have to ask, Countess White. Are you a transvestite?”

Maude was horrified at Paine’s audaciousness and expected Sweet’s wrath

But the countess merely began to laugh

Paine smiled at the Countess’ delight. “I’m sorry if that sounded impolite.”

“No, it’s good to be forthright. You are right, I am a transvestite. Clyde said that it’s just a stage, but in lovely Transylvania it’s all the rage.”

“Beautiful nevertheless,” said Maude. “You look simply stunning in that dress. Like a natural woman.”

“That’s quite a compliment considering that I’m not even human.”

“But you are in human in feature,” said Paine unsteadily. “If not human, then what kind of creature?”

“One who can never expire. You may think that I’m a liar, but I can assure you that I’m pure Transylvanian vampire.”

Maude and Paine began to shake

“But it’s daylight,” said Paine cautiously. “Vampires are not supposed to be awake.”

“Folklore can be such a bore,” said Sweet and yawned. “Our kind was here long before humans were spawned. We are not what you think. Blood is something we very rarely drink.”

Maude and Paine gaped wide eyed

“What’s wrong, dears?” asked Sweet. “You both look terrified.’

“Don’t hurt us!” they cried in unison. “Please!”

“Hush now, be at ease. The blood drinking remark was just to tease. Contrary to beliefs, we are not beasts who indulge in human feasts.”

“But it’s a widespread belief that vampires have very large teeth,” said Maude. ‘And when humans have been bled, they roam the world soulless and undead.”

“That’s not quite right, but we do sometimes enjoy a little bite.”

“So, there is some actuality?”

“One has to be bitten to receive immortality.”

 “That can be done?”

“Yes, honey bun. If that’s what you seek, I am the one.”

Paine and Maude were overawed

“But enough about vampires, let me hear about you. What are your names and where are you heading to?”  

Oh, brother (part 85) by Grant Harbison

Deplorium stood before the tunnel that led to the manor house

He took a few deep breaths and wiped the sweat from his brows

“It’s freezin’ cold yet ah perspire,” he said to Blaine. “Anxiety is makin’ me feel like ah’m on fire.”

“That’s to be expected,” said Blaine. “But don’t let nerves be the cause o’ ye bein’ detected.”

“Aye, right enough. Well, It’s time for me tae dae ma stuff.”

“Indeed. Go get yer fortune and Godspeed.”

“Thanks, Blaine. Wi’ a wee bit o’ luck it’ll no be long ‘til ah’m back again.”

“Aye, o’ that I’m sure. Pretty soon ye’ll no longer be poor.”

“Ye’re a really good soul. Ah’ll be needin’ yer help tae get the treasure oot o’ the hole.”

“I’ll be waitin’ and anticipatin’.”

As soon as Deplorium went underground

Blaine had a quick look around

His eyes caught sight of a very large boulder

And it took all his strength to lift it onto his shoulder

He dropped it into the entrance of the miniscule pit

Uncannily the rock was the perfect fit

He smiled in satisfaction as he knew without a doubt

There’d be no chance of Deplorium getting back out

Deplorium crawled through the tunnel until he reached the cellar’s trapdoor

But when he pushed it open there was a mighty uproar

When he saw that it was Laird MacBlach’s men

He scrambled back through the tunnel again

Fear turned to alarming shock

When he saw that the entrance was blocked by a rock

“Blaine, why did ye betray?” he cried in bitter dismay.

From the other end of the tunnel he heard MacBlach’s voice

And realised that all he had now was the Devil’s choice  

Oh, brother (part 84) by Grant Harbison

“What dae ye want, ya wee Sassenachs?” asked one of the guards when Borium and Truman arrived at Lord MacBlach’s.

“My dear man, please refrain from drawing your sword,” responded Borium. “We have an urgent matter to discuss with the lord.”

“What makes ye think that he wants tae see you? Tell me what it’s aboot an’ ah might let ye through.”

“I’m afraid that it’s something I cannot discuss. It’s a private matter between the lord and us.”

“Yer reason better be good. The laird is in a rotten mood.”

“I wouldn’t fear,” said Truman. “What we have to say he’ll definitely want to hear.”

“Aye, we’ll see. Wait here the noo an’ ah’ll see if he’s free.”

It didn’t take long for the guard to reappear

“Whatever ye have tae, he’s prepared tae hear,” he told them. “Don’t speak until he speaks tae you. Is that clear?”

Borium and Truman nodded in understanding

“Good, first door tae the left at the top o’ the landin’.”

They walked up the stairs and knocked on the door

“Come in!” they heard Laird MacBlach roar.

Both immediately entered and knelt on the floor

MacBlach eyed them with disdain. “Ah never thought ah’d be seein’ you two again.”

Borium immediately tried to regain the words from Blaine

“Well, what dae ye want tae say?” MacBlach asked them. “Speak, ah havnae got aw bloody day!”

“Sir, we’re here about the unfortunate death of Hamish MacCann,” replied Borium. “We are here to inform you that you killed the wrong man.”

“So, it wis Deplorium that robbed me. Am ah right?”

“Yes, sir,” replied Truman. “And he’s planning to do it again this very night.”

“That crafty wee...”

“Yes, sir. He’s vile and corrupted,” Borium interrupted.

“Or maybe this is some kind o’ trick,” said MacBlach as he raised his sword. “Tell me the truth or ah’ll cut off yer…”

“It’s the truth!” cried Borium before he became physically sick.

“Good, noo tell me his plan. It’s time ah got rid o’ that despicable man.”