Oh, brother (part 86) by Grant Harbison

In a dining room that had very little light

Maude and Paine waited for Sweet Lilly White

“Good morning, ladies,” she greeted when she arrived. “I trust that you both slept well last night.”

“Yes, thank you, Countess,” replied Paine. “A decent sleep was needed and the bed was just right. There’s something I have to ask, Countess White. Are you a transvestite?”

Maude was horrified at Paine’s audaciousness and expected Sweet’s wrath

But the countess merely began to laugh

Paine smiled at the Countess’ delight. “I’m sorry if that sounded impolite.”

“No, it’s good to be forthright. You are right, I am a transvestite. Clyde said that it’s just a stage, but in lovely Transylvania it’s all the rage.”

“Beautiful nevertheless,” said Maude. “You look simply stunning in that dress. Like a natural woman.”

“That’s quite a compliment considering that I’m not even human.”

“But you are in human in feature,” said Paine unsteadily. “If not human, then what kind of creature?”

“One who can never expire. You may think that I’m a liar, but I can assure you that I’m pure Transylvanian vampire.”

Maude and Paine began to shake

“But it’s daylight,” said Paine cautiously. “Vampires are not supposed to be awake.”

“Folklore can be such a bore,” said Sweet and yawned. “Our kind was here long before humans were spawned. We are not what you think. Blood is something we very rarely drink.”

Maude and Paine gaped wide eyed

“What’s wrong, dears?” asked Sweet. “You both look terrified.’

“Don’t hurt us!” they cried in unison. “Please!”

“Hush now, be at ease. The blood drinking remark was just to tease. Contrary to beliefs, we are not beasts who indulge in human feasts.”

“But it’s a widespread belief that vampires have very large teeth,” said Maude. ‘And when humans have been bled, they roam the world soulless and undead.”

“That’s not quite right, but we do sometimes enjoy a little bite.”

“So, there is some actuality?”

“One has to be bitten to receive immortality.”

 “That can be done?”

“Yes, honey bun. If that’s what you seek, I am the one.”

Paine and Maude were overawed

“But enough about vampires, let me hear about you. What are your names and where are you heading to?”