Oh, brother (part 77) by Grant Harbison

Deplorium introduced Blaine to Truman and Borium

“Hello Brothers,” greeted Blaine. “I never thought I’d see you two again.”

“Blaine, ye actually ken this pair?” asked Deplorium. “Well, greet the man, ya rude buggers. Don’t jist stare.”

“Blaine, what are you doing here?” asked Borium with a look of surprise and a voice emanating fear.”

“To visit the greatest arm wrestler of all. The other reason I can’t recall.”

“Well, it’s truly wonderful to see you again,” lied Truman. “Tell me, how goes it with Mistress Paine?”

Sorrow beset Blaine at the mention of her name. “A crime was committed and they said she was to blame. I can’t help but thinkin’ she is why I came. Ye have to forgive my memory; it’s not quite the same.”

“Well, ah’m sure it will prevail,” said Deplorium. “What would ye say tae a bucket o’ ale?”

“I’d say a bucket o’ water instead. Lately strong drink  plays with my head.”

“What’s the matter wi’ you? Ye’re no the sort tae turn doon a brew.”

“If that’s what he wants, let him be,” said Borium. “He’s right when he says it doesn’t agree.”

“Then ye can get it yersel’,” Deplorium said to Blaine. “Ootside there’s a bucket ye can lower intae the well.”

“Does he seem tae you a wee bit strange?” Deplorium asked Truman and Borium when he left. “Ah havnae seen him for a while, but there’s a definite change.”

“I think he’s been sent to force our return,” replied Truman. “For the crime we committed, they want us to burn.”

“But why?” asked Deplorium as he dished out the pie.

“It’s obvious from what he’s said that his woman has been incarcerated,” replied Borium. “That has left him helpless and very frustrated.”

“The loss of memory is what he wants us to think,” said Truman. “But tonight I’ll certainly not sleep a wink.”

“Well, if that’s the case, she’ll never be free,” said Deplorium. “Because tae get tae you, he’ll have tae go through me.”

“Hush,” whispered Borium. “He’s on his way back. Be prepared for any sudden attack.”

“Welcome back, Blaine. Come an’ have a seat,” said Deplorium. “ Ah hope ye enjoy what ah’ve made us tae eat.”

After they’d eaten

Deplorium began to yawn

“Ah’m gonnae sleep till way past dawn.”

“Go and rest yer weary head,” said Blaine. “And thanks for the meal. It’s been a while since I’ve been decently fed. I think I’ll go and take a wee walk. Borium, Truman, would ye like to join me. Let me show you a horse that can talk.”

“Brother Blaine, do you think that we are so naïve?” asked Truman. “What kind of trickery have you got up your sleeve?”

“I promise ye it’s true. I have no reason to lie to you.”

“But it’s totally absurd,” responded Borium. “But just to please you, Truman and I will take your word.”

Oh, brother (part 76) by Grant Harbison

Blaine and Bess arrived at the abbey

And were met by a monk by the name of Rabbie

He eyed Blaine suspiciously and drank ale from a pail. “Who are you?” he asked. “An’ fae where dae ye hail?”

“Blaine, jist answer the man an’ have no fear,” said Bess. “An’ remember everythin’ ah told ye. Dae ye hear?”

“Yes, my lovely mare. It’s nice to know that ye really care.”

“Who the hell are ye talkin’ tae, ya bloody bampot?” Rabbie asked him. “An’ yer speech is no Anglo an’ definitely no Scot. “Noo answer ma question. Don’t make me ask again, or ah’ll take ma axe an’ split yer brain.”

Blaine forced a smile. “I hail from the Emerald Isle. I’ve travelled many days and nights in the wind and rain. I’ve come to see Deplorium and my name is Blaine.”

“Ah can barely understaun yer brogue. Deplorium, did ye say? What dae ye want wi’ that wee rogue?”

“I come as friend and mean no harm. Deplorium once beat me in a wrestle of the arm.”  

“An’ ye expect me tae believe that’s true? The size o’ him compared tae you?”

“It may be true about the difference in size, but the wiry wee man took me by surprise.”

“Ah’ll gie ye the benefit o’ the doubt. Stay where ye are an’ ah’ll see if he’s about.”

After waiting a considerable while

Deplorium came to meet Blaine and flashed him a smile. “Well, if it isnae ma auld friend fae the Emerald isle. “How are ye daein’, Brother Blaine? Come inside. Let’s get oot o’ the rain.”

“What about my mare?”

“Ah’ll get somebody tae stable it wi’ the other pair.”

“I hope you don’t mind me droppin’ by?”

“Naw, ye’re welcome tae food an’ a place tae lie. Would ye care tae partake in some beet an’ grouse pie?”

“I’m so hungry I could eat a…of course.”

Oh, brother (part 75) by Grant Harbison

“Did ah dae okay?” asked Beryl when the ball showed Blaine and Bess continuing on their way.

“Yes,” cackled Jess. “I think the monk be wary of Bess.”

“No, I said to take it slow!” cried Shear extremely riled. “We’re just lucky the man has a mind like a child.”

“Why are you so irked?” asked Beryl. “All that matters is that it worked.”

“Because very soon he will be arriving at his destination and certain things need preparation. I won’t have him acting like a fool. That’s not the way to use our tool.”

“What about ale?” asked Ilirium. “If he partakes in that then all will fail.”

“What do you mean?”

“It only takes two sips to pass his lips and he becomes the maddest man that you’ve ever seen.”

“And you never thought to let me know? I’m trying to help you defeat your foe!”

“Calm down,  my dear Shear,” said Jess. “I never be seeing you with so much aggravation.”

“Perhaps if I had some cooperation then there wouldn’t be cause for irritation. Just as well all is going to plan with the female lovers and the rejected man. Now, if you’ll excuse me I think it’s time I napped. I can’t concentrate anymore as I’m truly sapped.”

“Rest well, Shear,” said Beryl. “Ah promise ah’ll no dae anythin’ silly. Dinnae fear.”

“I’ve never seen her act like this before,” said Jess when Shear lay down and began to snore.

“Well, we cannae always be meek an’ mild. Especially when one is carryin’ child.”

“I never was detectin’ that she be expectin’.”

“Jess, ah thought ye knew. Ye can hear her every mornin’ when she gets up tae spew. And she’s no jist carryin’ one, she’s carryin’ two.”

“But that can’t be right. Shear de Lite be a hermaphrodite. She has female bits and a man thing that can rise, but I’d never be thinkin’ that it’d be possible to fertilise.”

“Ladies, we have little time to spare,” said Ilirium. “Wake up Shear and tell her that Blaine is almost there.” 

Oh, brother (part 74) by Grant Harbison

“Oh, what a glorious day,” said Bess. “Ah’ll jist finish eatin’ this hay an’ we can be oan oor way.”

“A wee bit chilly, my wonderful filly,” said Blaine. “A strong wind blows and the sky is grey.”

“Don’t contradict what ah say! If ah say it’s a glorious day, it’s a glorious day!”

Blaine looked at her in dismay

Wondering why she would behave in such a way

“And another thing ah should mention noo that ah’ve got yer attention. Anythin’ ah tell ye tae dae or say, ye’ll obey.”

“Bess, if ye’re tryin’ to scare, it’s workin’, my lovely mare,” he said as she gave him a fixed stare.

 “Keep lookin’ at ma eyes,” she said and began to hypnotise. “Ye’re driftin’ intae slumber. Ye shall awaken when ah mention a number. That number is eight, an’ when ye hear it, ye’ll cooperate.”

Blaine eyes closed and he promptly dozed

For a couple of seconds he was made to wait

“Eight!”

Blaine awoke in a hypnotic state

“Let’s have a wee test,” said Bess. “Aye, ah think that’ll be best. Blaine, ah want ye tae strip bare an’ howl like a hound wi’ yer hands in the air.”

Blaine did as he was told

Stoic and bold

With no sense of shame nor concern for the cold

Bess chortled with glee. “What else can ah get ye dae for me? Let’s see. Blaine, when ah say the number three, ah want ye tae buzz like a bee an’ then run an’ climb yonder tree. Do ye think ye can dae that successfully?”

Blaine nodded his head eagerly

“Three!”

Buzzing like a bee

Blaine ran as fast as he could towards the large oak tree

“Blaine, get back tae me!” she yelled when he’d climbed the tree. “Fae now on this is how it’s gonnae be!” 

Oh, brother (part 73) by Grant Harbison

Claude cursed as it started to rain

And the fact that he had to take the rein

In the cart Maude and Paine slept tight

Both had been silent since early light

And he sensed that something wasn’t right

With day turning to night

He stopped the horse and cart for some needed respite

Immediately he woke up Maude and Paine

“Ladies, I need some sleep,” he told them. “My eyes are taking strain. We’ll start out early morning again.”

“Rest well, Claude,” said Maude.

Claude crawled underneath the cover in the cart and instantly snored

Maude stared at Paine. “What happened last night cannot be ignored.”

“Maude, what do you want me to say?”

“Say that we can be together again. Say that you will with me lay.”

“Nay, my love is for Blaine and I will not be led astray.”

“And I’d say that you are a liar. I know you feel the same desire.”

“No, it isn’t so.”

Maude moved closer and saw Paine glow. “Yes, and you very well know.”

Maude’s lips met Paine’s and they tenderly kissed

Yielding to a yearn that they couldn’t resist

Writhing with an insatiable yen

Together they made love again and again

In the midst of their orgasmic throes

Claude heard their cries and immediately arose

Instantly he felt his anger brewing. “Maude!” he yelled. “What the hell do you think you are doing?”

Maude and Paine instantly separated

Knowing that they were about to be berated

“You tell me you love me and now you cheat?” he cried “Why the deceit? With a woman I cannot compete.”

“I still love you, Claude,” replied Maude. “But Paine makes me complete.”

Oh, brother (part 72) by Grant Harbison

“Dinnae worry, all will be well,” Deplorium told Truman and Borium as they waited anxiously in an underground cell.

“How can you be so at ease?” asked Borium. “And for goodness sake, Truman, would you stop that incessant jabbering and get off your knees!”

“There nothin’ tae worry aboot,” replied Deplorium. “Hamish will be arrested when they find the loot.”

Truman stopped his babbling and began to cry

“You betrayed a friend, Deplorium,” said Borium. “Why?”

“In a case like this ye have tae be sly. Or would ye prefer it if we were tae die?”

“Prepare to draw your last breath!” howled Truman. “Repent before impending death!”

“Borium, slap his face!” yelled Deplorium. “He’s gettin’ oan ma wick!”

Just then they heard a click

All three swallowed hard and wanted to be sick

“You lot look like ye’ve seen a ghost,” the guard chuckled. “Dinnae worry, ye’re no gonnae roast. The laird wants tae see you three. Between you an’ me, it looks like ye’re gonnae be set free.”

A little while later they stood in front of the laird

“Ye don’t look very scared,” he said. “Ah hope the guard didnae mention that ye’re gonnae be spared.”

“News like that ah don’t think he would’ve dared shared,” responded Deplorium. “Conditions wurnae great underneath. So ye could say it’s relief.”

“Well, much tae ma surprise, ye spoke the truth for a change. No yer usual lies.”

“Ah’m assumin’ ye got yer man.”

“Aye. Ah never would’ve guessed it wis Hamish MacCann.”

“It jist goes tae show. Even people ye ken can sink really low. Yer Lairdship, are we free tae go?”

“Aye, get oot o’ ma sight. Ah’ve got tae sort oot MacCann’s  execution before the end o’ light. Ah’ll be keepin’ a close eye oan you, Deplorium. You and the Sassenachs…”

“Truman an’ Borium.”

Each of them got a glimpse of the laird’s hound as they were leaving the manor ground

Borium’s heart began to pound. “If that gets loose from the enclosure I don’t want to be around.”

“Homeward bound!” hollered Truman. “Oh, how good it feels to be safe and sound!”

“Truman, you really did despair in there,” said Borium. “Wouldn’t you agree, Deplorium?”

Deplorium wasn’t listening to anything that was said

He had other things going around in his head

The next job and who to rob

Oh, brother (part 71) by Grant Harbison

“Oh, that was a scream,” said Ilirium as he managed to suppress his laughter. “Poor Brother Blaine must have thought that he was having a bad dream.”

“Hilarious,” cackled Jess. “Beryl, I loved the way you been doing the voice of Bess.”

“A bit husky though,” responded Beryl. “But horsey nonetheless.”

“Somewhat cruel,” stated Shear. “But the monk is a very good tool. We’re very lucky that the man is a fool.”

“Shear, thank you, my dear,” said Jess. “That plant be good for casting a spell, and it be doing wonders for my ball as well.”

“So, what happens next, Shear?” asked Ilirium. “I can’t wait for the vision to reappear.”

“Having him believe that the horse speaks was a must. Now we have to make sure that he has total trust. Beryl, slowly start to take command. We have to make sure he adheres to the horse’s demand.”  

“That ah’ll dae,” said Beryl. “Jist let me know what ye want me tae say.”

“I’ll advise you when he’s once more on his way.”

“Shear, what will happen when he gets to his destination?” asked Ilirium. “It could turn out to be quite a tricky situation.”

“Of that I’m well aware and I’ll devise a plan when he arrives there.”

“Why not just make him kill?”

“No, Ilirium. The monks must leave on their own free will.’

“But why? My brother’s slaying will be avenged if both of them die.”

“Using the power for a murderous deed could unleash dark forces that will never recede. No, to the monastery he will go as friend not foe.”

“But surely Borium and Truman will know.”

“His arrival will be a surprise. But that he is on a mission, they are none the wise. This part of his journey he did merely intend to spend some time with a very good friend. It will be a surprise for him too when he sees the other two.

“You are forgetting that Blaine is a man who doesn’t know restrain. How do you propose to filter that to his brain?”

“By making him forget about his quest. Temporarily until we can safely contest.”

“But what about the others who be in search of Blaine?” asked Jess. “The man, the bawd and the one called Paine.”

“Both the women are under a spell and so far everything is going quite well. Their intense attraction may be enough to cause a distraction, but if it doesn’t progress through coercion, I may need a diversion.”