Oh, brother (part 78) by Grant Harbison

“This is madness, Borium. We both know that the man is unstable,” whispered Truman as they followed Blaine to the stable.

“Truman, do you really think I’d risk my life? As a precautionary measure I’ve brought a knife.”

“Stop yer chatterin’ and get a move on, you pair. Ye’ll be amazed when ye hear this articulate mare.”

“If you would just slow your pace, Brother Blaine!” moaned Borium. “This is not a race! Truman, don’t you worry, I’ll watch your back. I have the knife ready in case of attack.”

“Okay Blaine, time to let us in on the joke,” said Truman when they arrived at the stable and saw him giving the horse a stroke.

“I swear it’s true. Just give me a chance and I’ll prove it to you.”

“Not that we really care,” said Borium. “Do what you have to do and let’s hear the mare.”

“Bess, say hello to Borium and Truman. Let them hear you talk like a human.”

Bess said nothing and simply stared

“What’s wrong, Blaine?” asked Borium. “Don’t tell me that she is scared.”

“I said it was a joke,” said Truman. “Blaine, next time you’ll have to be better prepared.”

“Perhaps if she had wings and a beak,” chuckled Borium. “Maybe then she’d be able to speak.”

“Monk, you’re gettin’ oan ma wick,” said Bess. If ye don’t stop yer cheek ah’ll knock ye down wi’ a hefty kick.”

“Do ye believe me now?” Blaine interjected. “I told ye it wasn’t a trick.”

Borium and Truman trembled with fear

“Keep her away!” yelled Borium. “Don’t let her near.”

“Don’t be afraid,” said Blaine. “She’s really a dear.”

“Aye, as long as ye show me respect,” said Bess. “Dae ye hear?”

“Yes,” replied Borium. “Loud and clear.”

“Good. Ah dinnae like it when people are rude. Noo come here, the pair o’ ye an’ apologise.”

The two of them walked over and stared at her eyes

“Ah’ll say this once and never again,” she said. “Fae now on ye only listen tae  Blaine. Dae ye understand?”

“Yes,” replied Borium. “He is in command.”

“Yes, replied Truman. “Whatever he asks of me, I shall obey.”

“That’s what ah want tae hear ye say. Now, go back tae Blaine an’ go away. It’s time for me tae feast oan hay.”  

Oh, brother (part 19) by Grant Harbison

Borium and Truman met Blaine in Brothel Lane

“You must be insane, Brother Blaine,” said Borium. “Going to Mistress Paine in this pouring rain.

“It’s an ecstasy I can’t explain,” said Blaine to the twain. “And for that I wish to thank you again.”

“We’re so glad you feel that way,” said Truman. “But before you continue on your merry way, we need your assistance in a trick we want to play.”

Blaine looked at them with dismay. “I’m not sure I’m going to like what you are about to say.”

“Brother Ilirium brought us shame,” said Borium. “And for that we must do the same.”

“It does sound rather unkind. What exactly do you have in mind?”

“Abduct the scoundrel and tie him to a tree,” replied Truman. “Completely naked for all to see.”

“Do that to the abbot? Sorry, my fellow monks. I simply cannot.”

“A decision you may rue,” said Borium. “We could arrange that Paine refuses to see you.”

“Come now, Blaine, you owe us a debt,” said Truman. “If it wasn’t for us, you and Paine never would have met.”

“Yes, you are right. But how do we snatch him without him putting up a fight?”

“The notion has been put in motion,” responded Borium. “I’ve already given him some sleeping potion. All you have to do is carry him to the tree. I shall ensure that the blame is on me.”

“Time is of the essence,” said Truman. “If we wait much longer, he may be aware of our presence.”

So they all returned to the monastery

And Blaine carried Ilirium to a large oak tree

Borium and Truman chortled with glee.

“Oh, what utter humiliation,” cried Borium. “I think this calls for a celebration.”

“Yes,” agreed Truman. “Let’s make our way to the Goblet and Grail and drink a few pints of their finest ale. Blaine, can we buy you a pail?”

“I think I should rather abstain. I have to be sober when I visit Mistress Paine.”

“Don’t be chicken, Brother Blaine,” said Brother Borium. “Just one bucket and you can head back to Brothel Lane.”

At that very moment Ilirium awoke. “What’s going on?” he yelled. “Is this some kind of joke?”

“Yes, Ilirium, and you only have yourself to blame,” replied Borium. “When morning comes, you’ll be overcome with shame.”

They awoke hours later in the vicinity of the tree

Borium hollered, “Mercy me!”

Truman was speechless and could only stare

When he saw that Ilirium was no longer there

Blaine looked on with mouth agape

Wondering how Ilirium managed to escape

“Blaine!” Borium yelled. “Do you know what happened to the head of the abbey? Were you once again drunk and crabby?”

“Wait, let me think. I’m not very good when I’ve had a drink.”

“I’ll ask you again, my fellow monk. Were you angry? Were you drunk?”

“Well, I was rather tipsy…Oh, dear me. I sold him to a gypsy!”